Pray judge from your own clear conscience.It is known to you without doubt, that in accordance with the views of the government, unclean animals are forbidden to roam about the town, particularly in the principal streets.Admit, now, that it is prohibited.""God knows what you are talking about! A mighty important business that a sow got into the street!""Permit me to inform you, Ivan Ivanovitch, permit me, permit me, that this is utterly inadvisable.What is to be done? The authorities command, we must obey.I don't deny that sometimes chickens and geese run about the street, and even about the square, pray observe, chickens and geese; but only last year, I gave orders that pigs and goats were not to be admitted to the public squares, which regulations I directed to be read aloud at the time before all the people.""No, Peter Feodorovitch, I see nothing here except that you are doing your best to insult me.""But you cannot say that, my dearest friend and benefactor, that Ihave tried to insult you.Bethink yourself: I never said a word to you last year when you built a roof a whole foot higher than is allowed by law.On the contrary, I pretended not to have observed it.Believe me, my dearest friend, even now, I would, so to speak--but my duty--in a word, my duty demands that I should have an eye to cleanliness.Just judge for yourself, when suddenly in the principal street--""Fine principal streets yours are! Every woman goes there and throws down any rubbish she chooses.""Permit me to inform you, Ivan Ivanovitch, that it is you who are insulting me.That does sometimes happen, but, as a rule, only besides fences, sheds, or storehouses; but that a filthy sow should intrude herself in the main street, in the square, now is a matter--""What sort of a matter? Peter Feodorovitch! surely a sow is one of God's creatures!""Agreed.Everybody knows that you are a learned man, that you are acquainted with sciences and various other subjects.I never studied the sciences: I began to learn to write in my thirteenth year.Of course you know that I was a soldier in the ranks.""Hm!" said Ivan Ivanovitch.
"Yes," continued the chief of police, "in 1801 I was in the Forty-second Regiment of chasseurs, lieutenant in the fourth company.
The commander of our company was, if I may be permitted to mention it, Captain Eremeeff." Thereupon the chief of police thrust his fingers into the snuff-box which Ivan Ivanovitch was holding open, and stirred up the snuff.
Ivan Ivanovitch answered, "Hm!"
"But my duty," went on the chief of police, "is to obey the commands of the authorities.Do you know, Ivan Ivanovitch, that a person who purloins a government document in the court-room incurs capital punishment equally with other criminals?""I know it; and, if you like, I can give you lessons.It is so decreed with regard to people, as if you, for instance, were to steal a document; but a sow is an animal, one of God's creatures.""Certainly; but the law reads, 'Those guilty of theft'--I beg of you to listen most attentively--'Those guilty!' Here is indicated neither race nor sex nor rank: of course an animal can be guilty.You may say what you please; but the animal, until the sentence is pronounced by the court, should be committed to the charge of the police as a transgressor of the law.""No, Peter Feodorovitch," retorted Ivan Ivanovitch coolly, "that shall not be.""As you like: only I must carry out the orders of the authorities.""What are you threatening me with? Probably you want to send that one-armed soldier after her.I shall order the woman who tends the door to drive him off with the poker: he'll get his last arm broken.""I dare not dispute with you.In case you will not commit the sow to the charge of the police, then do what you please with her: kill her for Christmas, if you like, and make hams of her, or eat her as she is.Only I should like to ask you, in case you make sausages, to send me a couple, such as your Gapka makes so well, of blood and lard.My Agrafena Trofimovna is extremely fond of them.""I will send you a couple of sausages if you permit.""I shall be extremely obliged to you, dear friend and benefactor.Now permit me to say one word more.I am commissioned by the judge, as well as by all our acquaintances, so to speak, to effect a reconciliation between you and your friend, Ivan Nikiforovitch.""What! with that brute! I to be reconciled to that clown! Never! It shall not be, it shall not be!" Ivan Ivanovitch was in a remarkably determined frame of mind.
"As you like," replied the chief of police, treating both nostrils to snuff."I will not venture to advise you; but permit me to mention--here you live at enmity, and if you make peace..."But Ivan Ivanovitch began to talk about catching quail, as he usually did when he wanted to put an end to a conversation.So the chief of police was obliged to retire without having achieved any success whatever.
