But at that time I was becoming swept up in hopelessness. I decided that to end my pain， I had to end my life.
A CLOSE CALL
One afternoon after school I asked my mother if she could put me in the bath to soak for a while. I asked her to shut the door when she left the bathroom. Then I put my ears under water. In the silence， very heavy thoughts ran through my mind. I had planned in advance what I wanted to do.
If God will not take away my pain and if there is no purpose for me in this life . . . if I‘m here only to experience rejection and loneliness . . . I’m a burden to everyone and I have no future . . . I should just end it now.
As I mentioned when I described learning to swim， I‘d float on my back by filling my lungs with air. Now I tried to gauge how much air to keep in my lungs before I flipped over. Do I hold my breath before I turn over？ Do I take a full deep breath， or do I just do half？ Should I just empty my lungs and fl ip over？
I finally just turned and plunged my face under water. Instinctively， I held my breath. Because my lungs were strong， I stayed afloat for what seemed like a long time.
When my air gave out， I flipped back over.
I can’t do this.
But the dark thoughts persisted： I want to get out of here. I just want to disappear.
I blew most of the air out of my lungs and flipped over again. I knew I could hold my breath for at least ten seconds， so I counted down . . . 10 . . . 9 . . . 8 . . . 7 . . . 6 . . . 5 . . . 4 . . . 3 . . .
As I counted， an image flashed in my mind of my dad and mum standing at my grave crying. I saw my seven-year-old brother， Aaron， crying too. They were all weeping， saying it was their fault， that they should have done more for me.
I couldn‘t stand the thought of leaving them feeling responsible for my death for the rest of their lives.
I’m being selfish.
I flipped back over and drew a deep breath. I couldn‘t do it. I couldn’t leave my family with such a burden of loss and guilt.
But my anguish was unbearable. That night in our shared bedroom， I told Aaron， “I‘m planning to commit suicide when I’m twenty-one.”
I thought I could stick it out through high school and university maybe， but I couldn‘t see myself beyond that. I didn’t feel like I could ever get a job or get married like other men. What woman would want to marry me？ So the age of twenty-one seemed like the end of the road for me. At my age， of course， it also seemed like a long time away.
“I‘m telling Dad you said that，” my little brother replied.
I told him not to tell anyone and closed my eyes to sleep. The next thing I knew， I felt the weight of my father as he sat down on my trundle bed.
“What is this about you wanting to kill yourself？” he asked.
In a warm and reassuring tone， he talked to me about all the good things awaiting me. As he spoke， he combed my hair with his fingers. I always loved it when he did that.
“We will always be here for you，” he reassured me. “Everything is going to be okay. I promise we will always be here for you. You are going to be fine， son.”
A loving touch and caring gaze is sometimes all it takes to put a child’s troubled heart and confused mind at ease. My father‘s reassurance that things would be okay was enough in that moment. He convinced me with his comforting tone and touch that he believed we would find a path for me. Every son wants to trust his father， and that night he gave me something to hold on to. To a child， there is no assurance like a father’s. My dad was generous with such things and good at expressing his love and support for all of us. I still didn‘t understand how everything would work out for me， but because my daddy told me they would， I believed they would.
I slept soundly after our talk. I still had occasional bad days and nights. I trusted my parents and held on to hope for a long time before I actually formed any vision of how my life might unfold. There were moments and even longer periods of doubt and fear， but fortunately this was the lowest point for me. Even now I have my down times like anyone else， but I never again considered suicide. When I look back on that moment and reflect on my life since， I can only thank God for rescuing me from my despair.
HOLDING ON TO HOPE
Through my speaking engagements in twenty-four countries， DVDs， and millions of YouTube.com views， I’ve been blessed to reach so many with a message of hope. Think about just how much joy I would have missed experiencing if I had taken my life at the age of ten. I would have missed the extraordinary opportunity of sharing my story and what I‘d learned with more than 120，000 people in India， another 18，000 in a bullring in Colombia， and 9，000 during a thunderstorm in Ukraine.
In time I came to understand that even though I didn’t take my life that dark day， God did.
He took my life and gave it more meaning and more purpose and more joy than a ten-year-old boy could ever have understood.
Don‘t you make the mistake I nearly made.
If I had remained facedown in six inches of water back in 1993， I might have ended my temporary pain， but at what cost？ That despairing child could not possibly have foreseen the joyful man swimming with great sea turtles off the Hawaiian coast， surfing in California， or scuba diving in Colombia. Even more important than those adventures are the many lives I might never have touched.
I’m just one small， tiny example. Pick any true-life hero， whether it‘s Mother Teresa， Mahatma Gandhi， or the Reverend Martin Luther King and you’ll find someone who had to weather adversity—prison， violence， even the threat of death—but held on to the belief that their dreams could prevail.
When negative thoughts and dark moods come to you， remember that you have a choice. If you need help， reach out for it. You are not alone. You can choose to picture better days and to perform actions that will make them real.
Consider what I was up against as a boy and look at my life now. Who knows what great days and wonderful achievements await you？ Who knows how many lives we can make better by serving as someone else‘s miracle？ So walk with me， the man with no arms and no legs， into a future filled with hope！
