CYM.Well, the fact is, I've been trying an experiment.Seven days in the week is an awkward number.It can't be halved.Two;'s into seven won't go.
THES.[tries it on his fingers] Quite so--quite so.
CYM.So I abolished Saturday.
JUP, AP, MARS.Oh but.[Rising]
THES.Do be quiet.He's a very intelligent young man and knows what he is about.So you abolished Saturday.And how did you find it answer?
CYM.Admirably.
THES.You hear? He found it answer admirably.
CYM.Yes, only Sunday refused to take its place.
THES.Sunday refused to take its place?
CYM.Sunday comes after Saturday--Sunday won't go on duty after Friday.Sunday's principles are very strict.That's where my experiment sticks.
THES.Well, but why November? Come, why November?
CYM.December can't begin until November has finished.November can't finish because he's abolished Saturday.There again my experiment sticks.
THES.Well, but why wet? Come now, why wet?
CYM.Ah, that is your fault.You turned on the rain six months ago and you forgot to turn it off again.
JUP., AP., MARS.[rising] On this is monstrous.
ALL.Order.Order.
THES.Gentlemen, pray be seated.[to the others] The liberty of the press, one can't help it.[to the three gods] It is easily settled.Athens has had a wet Friday in November for the last six months.Let them have a blazing Tuesday in July for the next twelve.
JUP., AP., MARS.But--
ALL.Order.Order.
THES.Now then, the next article.
MER.Here's a petition from the Peace Society.They complain because there are no more battles.
MARS.[springing up] What.
THES.Quiet there.Good dog--soho; Timidon.
TIM.[as Mars] Here.
THES.What's this about there being no battles?
TIM.I've abolished battles; it's an experiment.
MARS.[spring up] Oh come, I say--
THES.Quiet then.[to Tim] Abolished battles?
TIM.Yes, you told us on taking office to remember two things.To try experiments and to take it easy.I found I couldn't take it easy while there are any battles to attend to, so I tried the experiment and abolished battles.And then I took it easy.The Peace Society ought to be very much obliged to me.
THES.Obliged to you.Why, confound it.Since battles have been abolished, war is universal.
TIM.War is universal?
THES.To b sure it is.Now that nations can't fight, no two of 'em are on speaking terms.The dread of fighting was the only thing that kept them civil to each other.Let battles be restored and peace reign supreme.
MER.Here's a petition from the associated wine merchants of Mytilene? Are there no grapes this year?
THES.Well, what's wrong with the associated wine merchants of Mytilene? Are there no grapes this year?
THES.Plenty of grapes.More than usual.
THES.[to the gods] You observe, there is no deception.There are more than usual.
MER.There are plenty of grapes, only they are full of ginger beer.
THREE GODS.Oh, come I say [rising they are put down by Thespis.]
THES.Eh? what [much alarmed] Bacchus.
TIPS.[as Bacchus] Here.
THES.There seems to be something unusual with the grapes of Mytilene.They only grow ginger beer.
TIPS.And a very good thing too.
THES.It's very nice in its way but it is not what one looks for from grapes.
TIPS.Beloved master, a week before we came up here, you insisted on my taking the pledge.By so doing you rescued me from my otherwise inevitable misery.I cannot express my thanks.Embrace me.[attempts to embrace him.]
THES.Get out, don't be a fool.Look here, you know you're the god of wine.
TIPS.I am.
THES.[very angry] Well, do you consider it consistent with your duty as the god of wine to make the grapes yield nothing but ginger beer?
TIPS.Do you consider it consistent with my duty as a total abstainer to grow anything stronger than ginger beer?
THES.But your duty as the god of wine--
TIPS.In every respect in which my duty as the god of wine can be discharged consistently with my duty as a total abstainer, I will discharge it.But when the functions clash, everything must give way to the pledge.My preserver.[Attempts to embrace him]
THES.Don't be a confounded fool.This can be arranged.We can't give over the wine this year, but at least we can improve the ginger beer.Let all the ginger beer be extracted from it immediately.
THREE GODS.We can't stand this, We can't stand this.
It's much too strong.
We can't stand this.
It would be wrong.
Extremely wrong.
If we stood this.
If we stand this If we stand this We can't stand this.
DAPH, SPAR, NICE.Great Jove, this interference.
Is more than we can stand;
Of them make a clearance, With your majestic hand.
JOVE.This cool audacity, it beats us hollow.
I'm Jupiter.
MARS.I'm Mars.
AP.I'm Apollo.
[Enter Diana and all the other gods and goddesses.
ALL.[kneeling with their foreheads on the ground]
Jupiter, Mars, and Apollo Have quitted the dwellings of men;The other gods quickly will follow.
And what will become of us then.
Oh pardon us, Jove and Apollo, Pardon us, Jupiter, Mars:
Oh see us in misery wallow.
Cursing our terrible stars.
[enter other gods.]
ALL THESPIANS: Let us remain, we beg of you pleadingly.
THREE GODS: Let them remain, they beg of us pleadingly.
THES.Life on Olympus suits us exceedingly.
GODS.Life on Olympus suits them exceedingly.
THES.Let us remain, we pray in humility.
GODS.Let 'em remain, they pray in humility.
THES.If we have shown some little ability.
GODS.If they have shown some little ability.
Let us remain, etc...
JUP.Enough, your reign is ended.
Upon this sacred hill.
Let him be apprehended And learn out awful will.
Away to earth, contemptible comedians, And hear our curse, before we set you free'
You shall be all be eminent tragedians, Whom no one ever goes to see.
ALL.We go to earth, contemptible tragedians, We hear his curse, before he sets us free, We shall all be eminent tragedians, Whom no one ever, ever goes to see.
SILL, SPAR, THES.Whom no one Ever goes to see.
[The thespians are driven away by the gods, who group themselves in attitudes of triumph.]
THES.Now, here you see the arrant folly Of doing your best to make things jolly.
