"Very well,then,"I went on."The young men I have met so far strike me as too self-centered to excite interest in others;they are much more taken up with themselves than with their company.They can't be accused of lack of candor at any rate.They put on a certain expression to talk to us,and drop it again in a moment,apparently satisfied that we don't use our eyes.The man as he converses is the lover;silent,he is the husband.The girls,again,are so artificial that it is impossible to know what they really are,except from the way they dance;their figures and movements alone are not a sham.But what has alarmed me most in this fashionable society is its brutality.
The little incidents which take place when supper is announced give one some idea--to compare small things with great--of what a popular rising might be.Courtesy is only a thin veneer on the general selfishness.I imagined society very different.Women count for little in it;that may perhaps be a survival of Bonapartist ideas.""Armande is coming on extraordinarily,"said my mother.
"Mother,did you think I should never get beyond asking to see Mme.de Stael?"My father smiled,and rose from the table.
Saturday.
My dear,I have left one thing out.Here is the tidbit I have reserved for you.The love which we pictured must be extremely well hidden;Ihave seen not a trace of it.True,I have caught in drawing-rooms now and again a quick exchange of glances,but how colorless it all is!
Love,as we imagined it,a world of wonders,of glorious dreams,of charming realities,of sorrows that waken sympathy,and smiles that make sunshine,does not exist.The bewitching words,the constant interchange of happiness,the misery of absence,the flood of joy at the presence of the beloved one--where are they?What soil produces these radiant flowers of the soul?Which is wrong?We or the world?
I have already seen hundreds of men,young and middle-aged;not one has stirred the least feeling in me.No proof of admiration and devotion on their part,not even a sword drawn in my behalf,would have moved me.Love,dear,is the product of such rare conditions that it is quite possible to live a lifetime without coming across the being on whom nature has bestowed the power of making one's happiness.
The thought is enough to make one shudder;for if this being is found too late,what then?
For some days I have begun to tremble when I think of the destiny of women,and to understand why so many wear a sad face beneath the flush brought by the unnatural excitement of social dissipation.Marriage is a mere matter of chance.Look at yours.A storm of wild thoughts has passed over my mind.To be loved every day the same,yet with a difference,to be loved as much after ten years of happiness as on the first day!--such a love demands years.The lover must be allowed to languish,curiosity must be piqued and satisfied,feeling roused and responded to.
Is there,then,a law for the inner fruits of the heart,as there is for the visible fruits of nature?Can joy be made lasting?In what proportion should love mingle tears with pleasures?The cold policy of the funereal,monotonous,persistent routine of the convent seemed to me at these moments the only real life;while the wealth,the splendor,the tears,the delights,the triumph,the joy,the satisfaction,of a love equal,shared,and sanctioned,appeared a mere idle vision.
I see no room in this city for the gentle ways of love,for precious walks in shady alleys,the full moon sparkling on the water,while the suppliant pleads in vain.Rich,young,and beautiful,I have only to love,and love would become my sole occupation,my life;yet in the three months during which I have come and gone,eager and curious,nothing has appealed to me in the bright,covetous,keen eyes around me.No voice has thrilled me,no glance has made the world seem brighter.
Music alone has filled my soul,music alone has at all taken the place of our friendship.Sometimes,at night,I will linger for an hour by my window,gazing into the garden,summoning the future,with all it brings,out of the mystery which shrouds it.There are days too when,having started for a drive,I get out and walk in the Champs-Elysees,and picture to myself that the man who is to waken my slumbering soul is at hand,that he will follow and look at me.Then I meet only mountebanks,vendors of gingerbread,jugglers,passers-by hurrying to their business,or lovers who try to escape notice.These I am tempted to stop,asking them,"You who are happy,tell me what is love."But the impulse is repressed,and I return to my carriage,swearing to die an old maid.Love is undoubtedly an incarnation,and how many conditions are needful before it can take place!We are not certain of never quarreling with ourselves,how much less so when there are two?
This is a problem which God alone can solve.
I begin to think that I shall return to the convent.If I remain in society,I shall do things which will look like follies,for I cannot possibly reconcile myself to what I see.I am perpetually wounded either in my sense of delicacy,my inner principles,or my secret thoughts.
Ah!my mother is the happiest of women,adored as she is by Canalis,her great little man.My love,do you know I am seized sometimes with a horrible craving to know what goes on between my mother and that young man?Griffith tells me she has gone through all these moods;she has longed to fly at women,whose happiness was written in their face;she has blackened their character,torn them to pieces.According to her,virtue consists in burying all these savage instincts in one's innermost heart.But what then of the heart?It becomes the sink of all that is worst in us.
It is very humiliating that no adorer has yet turned up for me.I am a marriageable girl,but I have brothers,a family,relations,who are sensitive on the point of honor.Ah!if that is what keeps men back,they are poltroons.
The part of Chimene in the /Cid/and that of the Cid delight me.What a marvelous play!Well,good-bye.
