DEC.24.-Father says he does not like Dr.Cabot's preaching.He thinks that it is not doctrinal enough, and that he does not preach enough to sinners.But I can see that it has influenced him already, and that he is beginning to think of God, as manifested in Christ, far more than he used to do.With me he has endless discussions on his and my favorite subjects, and though I can never tell along what path I walked to reach a certain conclusion, the earnestness of my convictions does impress him strangely.I am sure there is a great deal of conceit mixed up with all I say, and then when I compare my life with my own standard of duty, I wonder I ever dare to open my mouth and undertake to help others.
Baby is not at all well.To see a little frail, tender thing really suffering, tears my soul to pieces.I think it would distress me less to give her to God just as she is now, a vital part of my very heart, than to see her live a mere invalid life.But I try to feel, as Iknow I say, Thy will be done! Little Ernest is the very picture of health and beauty.He has vitality enough for two children He and his little sister will make very interesting contrasts as they grow older.His ardor and vivacity will rouse her, and her gentleness will soften him.
JAN.1, 1841.-Every day brings its own duty and its own discipline.
How is it that I make such slow progress while this is the case? It is a marvel to me why God allows characters like mine to defile His church.I can only account for it with the thought that if I ever am perfected, I shall be a great honor to His name, for surely worse material for building up a temple of the Holy Ghost was never gathered together before.The time may come when those who know me now, crude, childish, incomplete, will look upon me with amazement, saying, "What hath God wrought!" If I knew such a time would never come, I should want to flee into the holes and caves of the earth.
I have everything to inspire me to devotion.My dear mother's influence is always upon me.To her I owe the habit of flying to God in every emergency, and of believing in prayer.Then I am in close fellowship with a true man and a true Christian.Ernest has none of my fluctuations; he is always calm and self-possessed.This is partly his natural character; but he has studied the Bible more than any other book, his convictions of duty are fixed because they are drawn thence, and his constant contact with the sick and the suffering has revealed life to him just as it is.How he has helped me on! God bless him for it!
Then I have James.To be with him one half hour is an inspiration.He lives in such blessed communion with Christ that he is in perpetual sunshine, and his happiness fertilizes even this disordered household ; there is not a soul in it that does not catch somewhat of his joyousness.
And there are my children! My darling, precious children! For their sakes I am continually constrained to seek after an amended, a sanctified life; what I want them to become I must become myself.
So I enter on a new year, not knowing what it will bring forth, but surely with a thousand reasons for thanksgiving, for joy, and for hope.
JAN.16.-One more desperate effort to make harmony out of the discords of my house, and one more failure.Ernest forgot that it was our wedding-day, which mortified and pained me, especially as he had made an engagement to dine out.I am always expecting something from life that I never get.Is it so with everybody? I am very uneasy, too, about James.He seems to be growing fond of Lucy's society.I am perfectly sure that she could not make him happy.Is it possible that he does not know what a brilliant young man he is, and that he can have whom he pleases? It is easy, in theory, to let God plan our own destiny, and that of our friends.But when it comes to a specific case we fancy we can help His judgments with our poor reason.Well, Imust go to Him with this new anxiety, and trust my darling brother's future to Him, if I can.
I shall try to win James' confidence.If it is not Lucy, who or what is it that is making him so thoughtful and serious, yet so wondrously happy?
JAN.17.-I have been trying to find out whether this is a mere notion of mine about Lucy.James laughs, and evades my questions.But he owns that a very serious matter is occupying his thoughts, of which he does not wish to speak at present.May God bless him in it, whatever it is.
MAY 1.-My delicate little Una's first birthday.Thank God for sparing her to us a year.If He should take her away I should still rejoice that this life was mingled with ours, and has influenced them.Yes, even an unconscious infant is an ever-felt influence in the household; what an amazing thought!
I have given this precious little one away to her Saviour and to mine; living or dying, she is His.
DEC.13.-Writing journals does not seem to be my mission on earth of late.My busy hands find so much else to do And sometimes when I have been particularly exasperated and tried by the jarring elements that form my home, I have not dared to indulge myself with recording things that ought to be forgotten.
How I long to live in peace with all men, and how I resent interference in the management of my children! If the time ever comes that I live, a spinster of a certain age, in the family of an elder brother, what a model of forbearance, charity, and sisterly loving-kindness I shall be!
