I see now why He has put some thorns into my domestic life; but for them I should be too happy to live.It does not seem just the moment to com plain, and yet, as I can speak to no one, it is a relief, a great relief, to write about my trials.During my whole sickness, Martha has been so hard, so cold, so unsympathizing that sometimes it has seemed as if my cup of trial could not hold another drop.She routed me out of bed when I was so languid that everything seemed a burden, and when sitting up made me faint away.I heard her say to herself, that I had no constitution and had no business to get married.The worst of all is that during that dreadful night before baby came, she kept asking Ernest to lie down and rest, and was sure he would kill himself, and all that, while she had not one word of pity for me.But, oh, why need I let this rankle in my heart! Why cannot I turn my thoughts entirely to my darling baby, my dear husband, and all the other sources of joy that make my home a happy one in spite of this one discomfort! I hope I am learning some useful lessons from my joys and from my trials, and that both will serve to make me in earnest, and to keep me so.
DEC.4.-We have had a great time about poor baby's name.I expected to call him Raymond, for my own dear father, as a matter of course.
It seemed a small gratification for mother in her loneliness.Dear mother! How little I have known all these years what I cost her! But it seems there has been a Jotham in the family ever since the memory of man, each eldest son handing down his father's name to the next in descent, and Ernest's real name is Jotham Ernest--of all the extraordinary combinations! His mother would add the latter name in spite of everything.Ernest behaved very well through the whole affair, and said he had no feeling about it all.But he was so gratified when I decided to keep up the family custom that I feel rewarded for the sacrifice.
Father is in one of his gloomiest moods.As I sat caressing baby to-day he said to me:
"Daughter Katherine, I trust you make it a subject of prayer to God that you may be kept from idolatry.""No, father," I returned, "I never do.An idol is something one puts in God's place, and I don't put baby there."He shook his head and said the heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked.
"I have heard mother say that we might love an earthly object as much as we pleased, if we only love God better." I might have added, but of course I didn't; that I prayed every day that I might love Ernest and baby better and better.Poor father seemed puzzled and troubled by what I did say, and after musing a while, went on thus:
'The Almighty is a great and terrible Being.He cannot bear a rival;He will have the whole heart or none of it.When I see a young woman so absorbed in a created being as you are in that infant, and in your other friends, I tremble for you, I tremble for you!"'But, father," I persisted, "God gave me this child, and He gave me my heart, just as it is."'Yes; and that heart needs renewing."
"I hope it is renewed," I replied."But I know there is a great work still to be done in it.And the more effectually it is done the more loving I shall grow.Don't you see, father? Don't you see that the more Christ-like I become the more I shall be filled with love for every living thing?"He shook his head, but pondered long, as he always does, on whatever he considers audacious.As for me, I am vexed with my presumption in disputing with him, and am sure, too, that I was trying to show off what little wisdom I have picked up.Besides, my mountain does not stand so strong as it did.Perhaps I am making idols out of Ernest and the baby.
JANUARY 16, 1839.-This is our second wedding day.I did not expect much from it, after last year's failure.Father was very gloomy at breakfast, and retired to his room directly after it.No one could get in to make his bed, and he would not come down to dinner.Iwonder Ernest lets him go on so.But his rule seems to be to let everybody have their own way.He certainly lets me have mine.After dinner he gave me a book I have been wanting for some time, and had asked him for-"The Imitation of Christ." Ever since that day at Mrs.
Campbell's I have felt that I should like it, though I did think, in old times, that it preached too hard a doctrine.I read aloud to him the "Four Steps to Peace"; he said they were admirable, and then took it from me and began reading to himself, here and there.I felt the precious moments when I had got him all to myself were passing away, and was becoming quite out of patience with him when the words "Constantly seek to have less, rather than more," flashed into my mind.I suppose this direction had reference to worldly good, but Idespise money, and despise people who love it, The riches I crave are not silver and gold, but my husband's love and esteem.And of these must I desire to have less rather than more? I puzzled myself over this question in vain, but when I silently prayed to be satisfied with just what God chose to give me of the wealth I crave, yes, hunger and thirst for, I certainly felt a sweet content, for the time, at least, that was quite resting and quieting.And just as Ihad reached that acquiescent mood Ernest threw down his book, and came and caught me in his arms.
"I thank God," he said, "my precious wife, that I married you this day.The wisest thing I ever did was when I fell in love with you and made a fool of myself!"What a speech for my silent old darling to make! Whenever he says and does a thing out of character, and takes me all by surprise, how delightful he is! Now the world is a beautiful world, and so is everybody in it.I met Martha on the stairs after Ernest had gone, and caught her and kissed her.She looked perfectly astonished.
"What spirits the child has!" I heard her whisper to herself; "no sooner down than up again."And she sighed.Can it be that under that stern and hard crust there lie hidden affections and perhaps hidden sorrows?
I ran back and asked, as kindly as I could, "What makes you sigh, Martha? Is anything troubling you? Have I done anything to annoy you?""You do the best you can," she said, and pushed past me to her own room.
