It is strange that I should have lost my rest simply on account of a few old sheets of parchment; but it is unquestionably true.The poor man who has no desires possesses the greatest of riches; he possesses himself.The rich man who desires something is only a wretched slave.I am just such a slave.The sweetest pleasures--those of converse with some one of a delicate and well-balanced mind, or dining out with a friend--are insufficient to enable me to forget the manuscript which I know that I want, and have been wanting from the moment I knew of its existence.I feel the want of it by day and by night: I feel the want of it in all my joys and pains; I feel the want of it while at work or asleep.
I recall my desires as a child.How well I can now comprehend the intense wishes of my early years!
I can see once more, with astonishing vividness, a certain doll which, when I was eight years old, used to be displayed in the window of an ugly little shop of the Rue de Seine.I cannot tell how it happened that this doll attracted me.I was very proud of being a boy; I despised little girls; and I longed impatiently for the day (which alas! has come) when a strong beard should bristle on my chin.I played at being a soldier; and, under the pretext of obtaining forage for my rocking-horse, I used to make sad havoc among the plants my poor mother delighted to keep on her window-sill.
Manly amusements those, I should say! And, nevertheless, I was consumed with longing for a doll.Characters like Hercules have such weaknesses occasionally.Was the one I had fallen in love with at all beautiful? No.I can see her now.She had a splotch of vermilion on either cheek, short soft arms, horrible wooden hands, and long sprawling legs.Her flowered petticoat was fastened at the waist with two pins.Even now I cans see the balck heads of those two pins.It was a decidedly vulgar doll--smelt of the faubourg.I remember perfectly well that, child as I was then, before I had put on my first pair of trousers, I was quite conscious in my own way that this doll lacked grace and style--that she was gross, that she was course.But I loved her in spite of that; Iloved her just for that; I loved her only; I wanted her.My soldiers and my drums had become as nothing in my eyes, I ceased to stick sprigs of heliotrope and veronica into the mouth of my rocking-horse.
That doll was all the world to me.I invented ruses worthy of a savage to oblige Virginie, my nurse, to take me by the little shop in the Rue de Seine.I would press my nose against the window until my nurse had to take my arm and drag me away."Monsieur Sylvestre, it is late, and your mamma will scold you." Monsieur Sylvestre in those days made very little of either scoldings or whippings.But his nurse lifted him up like a feather, and Monsieur Sylvestre yielded to force.In after-years, with age, he degenerated, and sometimes yielded to fear.But at that time he used to fear nothing.
I was unhappy.An unreasoning but irresistible shame prevented me from telling my mother about the object of my love.Thence all my sufferings.For many days that doll, incessantly present in fancy, danced before my eyes, stared at me fixedly, opened her arms to me, assuming in my imagination a sort of life which made her appear at once mysterious and weird, and thereby all the more charming and desirable.
Finally, one day--a day I shall never forget--my nurse took me to see my uncle, Captain Victor, who had invited me to lunch.I admired my uncle a great deal, as much because he had fired the last French cartridge at Waterloo, as because he used to prepare with his own hands, at my mother's table, certain chapons-a-l'ail [Crust on which garlic has been rubbed], which he afterwards put in the chicory salad.I thought that was very fine! My Uncle Victor also inspired me with much respect by his frogged coat, and still more by his way of turning the whole house upside down from the moment he came into it.Even now I cannot tell just how he managed it, but I can affirm that whenever my Uncle Victor found himself in any assembly of twenty persons, it was impossible to see or to hear anybody but him.My excellent father, I have reason to believe, never shared my admiration for Uncle Victor, who used to sicken him with his pipe, give him great thumps in the back by way of friendliness, and accuse him of lacking energy.My mother, though always showing a sister's indulgence to the Captain, sometimes advised him to fold the brandy-bottle a little less frequently.But I had no part either in these repugnances or these reproaches, and Uncle Victor inspired me with the purest enthusiasm.It was therefore with a feeling of pride that I entered into the little lodging he occupied in the Rue Guenegaud.
The entire lunch, served on a small table close to the fireplace, consisted of cold meats and confectionery.
The Captain stuffed me with cakes and undiluted wine.He told me of numberless injustices to which he had been a victim.He complained particularly of the Bourbons; and as he neglected to tell me who the Bourbons were, I got the idea--I can't tell how--that the Bourbons were horse-dealers established at Waterloo.The Captain, who never interrupted his talk except for the purpose of pouring out wine, furthermore made charges against a number of dirty scoundrels, blackguards, and good-for-nothings whom I did not know anything about, but whom I hated from the bottom of my heart.At dessert I thought I heard the Captain say my father was a man who could be led anywhere by the nose; but I am not quite sure that I understood him.I had a buzzing in my ears; and it seemed to me that the table was dancing.
