In this world one must have a name; it prevents confusion, even when it does not establish identity.
Some, though, are known by numbers, which also seem inadequate distinctions.
One day, for illustration, I was passing along a street of a city, far from here, when I met two men in uniform, one of whom, half pausing and looking curiously into my face, said to his companion, 'That man looks like 767.' Something in the number seemed familiar and horrible. Moved by an uncon-trollable impulse, I sprang into a side street and ran until I fell exhausted in a country lane.
I have never forgotten that number, and always it comes to memory attended by gibbering obscenity, peals of joyless laughter, the clang of iron doors. So I say a name, even if self-bestowed, is better than a number. In the register of the potter's field I shall soon have both. What wealth!
Of him who shall find this paper I must beg a little consideration. It is not the history of my life;the knowledge to write that is denied me. This is only a record of broken and apparently unrelated memo-ries, some of them as distinct and sequent as brilliant beads upon a thread, others remote and strange, having the character of crimson dreams with inter-spaces blank and black--witch-fires glowing still and red in a great desolation.
Standing upon the shore of eternity, I turn for a last look landward over the course by which I came.
There are twenty years of footprints fairly distinct, the impressions of bleeding feet. They lead through poverty and pain, devious and unsure, as of one staggering beneath a burden--Remote, unfriended, melancholy, slow.
Ah, the poet's prophecy of Me--how admirable, how dreadfully admirable!
Backward beyond the beginning of this via do-lorosa--this epic of suffering with episodes of sin --I see nothing clearly; it comes out of a cloud.
I know that it spans only twenty years, yet I am an old man.
One does not remember one's birth--one has to be told. But with me it was different; life came to me full-handed and dowered me with all my facul-ties and powers. Of a previous existence I know no more than others, for all have stammering intima-tions that may be memories and may be dreams.
I know only that my first consciousness was of ma-turity in body and mind--a consciousness accepted without surprise or conjecture. I merely found myself walking in a forest, half-clad, footsore, unutterably weary and hungry. Seeing a farmhouse, I approached and asked for food, which was given me by one who inquired my name. I did not know, yet knew that all had names. Greatly embarrassed, I retreated, and night coming on, lay down in the forest and slept.
The next day I entered a large town which I shall not name. Nor shall I recount further incidents of the life that is now to end--a life of wandering, always and everywhere haunted by an overmaster-ing sense of crime in punishment of wrong and of terror in punishment of crime. Let me see if I can reduce it to narrative.
I seem once to have lived near a great city, a prosperous planter, married to a woman whom Iloved and distrusted. We had, it sometimes seems, one child, a youth of brilliant parts and promise.
He is at all times a vague figure, never clearly drawn, frequently altogether out of the picture.
One luckless evening it occurred to me to test my wife's fidelity in a vulgar, commonplace way fa-miliar to everyone who has acquaintance with the literature of fact and fiction. I went to the city, tell-ing my wife that I should be absent until the follow-ing afternoon. But I returned before daybreak and went to the rear of the house, purposing to enter by a door with which I had secretly so tampered that it would seem to lock, yet not actually fasten. As Iapproached it, I heard it gently open and close, and saw a man steal away into the darkness. With mur-der in my heart, I sprang after him, but he had vanished without even the bad luck of identification.
Sometimes now I cannot even persuade myself that it was a human being.
Crazed with jealousy and rage, blind and bestial with all the elemental passions of insulted manhood, I entered the house and sprang up the stairs to the door of my wife's chamber. It was closed, but having tampered with its lock also, I easily entered, and despite the black darkness soon stood by the side of her bed. My groping hands told me that although disarranged it was unoccupied.
'She is below,' I thought, 'and terrified by my entrance has evaded me in the darkness of the hall.'
With the purpose of seeking her I turned to leave the room, but took a wrong direction--the right one! My foot struck her, cowering in a corner of the room. Instantly my hands were at her throat, stifling a shriek, my knees were upon her struggling body;and there in the darkness, without a word of accusa-tion or reproach, I strangled her till she died!
There ends the dream. I have related it in the past tense, but the present would be the fitter form, for again and again the sombre tragedy re-enacts itself in my consciousness--over and over I lay the plan, I suffer the confirmation, I redress the wrong. Then all is blank; and afterward the rains beat against the grimy windowpanes, or the snows fall upon my scant attire, the wheels rattle in the squalid streets where my life lies in poverty and mean employment.
If there is ever sunshine I do not recall it; if there are birds they do not sing.
There is another dream, another vision of the night. I stand among the shadows in a moonlit road.
