When Scarlett first began secretly reading these letters, she had been so stricken of conscience and so fearful of discovery she could hardly open the envelopes for trembling. Now, her never-too-scrupulous sense of honor was dulled by repetition of the offense and even fear of discovery had subsided.Occasionally, she thought with a sinking heart,“What would Mother say if she knew?”She knew Ellen would rather see her dead than know her guilty of such dishonor.This had worried Scarlett at first, for she still wanted to be like her mother in every respect.But the temptation to read the letters was too great and she put the thought of Ellen out of her mind.She had become adept at putting unpleasant thoughts out of her mind these days.She had learned to say,“Iwon't think of this or that bothersome thought now.I'll think about it tomorrow.”Generally when tomorrow came, the thought either did not occur at all or it was so attenuated by the delay it was not very troublesome.So the matter of Ashley's letters did not lie very heavily on her conscience.
Melanie was always generous with the letters, reading parts of them aloud to Aunt Pitty and Scarlett. But it was the part she did not read that tormented Scarlett, that drove her to surreptitious reading of her sister-in-law's mail.She had to know if Ashley had come to love his wife since marrying her.She had to know if he even pretended to love her.Did he address tender endearments to her?What sentiments did he express and with what warmth?
She carefully smoothed out the letter.
Ashley's small even writing leaped up at her as she read,“My dear wife,”and she breathed in relief. He wasn't calling Melanie“Darling”or“Sweetheart”yet.
“My dear wife:You write me saying you are alarmed lest I be concealing my real thoughts from you and you ask me what is occupying my mind these days—”
“Mother of God!”thought Scarlett, in a panic of guilt.“‘Concealing his real thoughts.'Can Melly have read his mind?Or my mind?Does she suspect that he and I—”
Her hands trembled with fright as she held the letter closer, but as she read the next paragraph she relaxed.
“Dear Wife, if I have concealed aught from you it is because I did not wish to lay a burden on your shoulders, to add to your worries for my physical safety with those of my mental turmoil. But I can keep nothing from you, for you know me too well.Do not be alarmed.I have no wound.I have not been ill.I have enough to eat and occasionally a bed to sleep in.A soldier can ask for no more.But, Melanie, heavy thoughts lie on my heart and I will open my heart to you.
“These summer nights I lie awake, long after the camp is sleeping, and I look up at the stars and, over and over, I wonder,‘Why are you here, Ashley Wilkes?What are you fighting for?'
“Not for honor and glory, certainly. War is a dirty business and I do notlike dirt.I am not a soldier and I have no desire to seek the bubble reputation even in the cannon's mouth.Yet, here I am at the wars—whom God never intended to be other than a studious country gentleman.For, Melanie, bugles do not stir my blood nor drums entice my feet and I see too clearly that we have been betrayed, betrayed by our arrogant Southern selves, believing that one of us could whip a dozen Yankees, believing that King Cotton could rule the world.Betrayed, too, by words and catch phrases, prejudices and hatreds coming from the mouths of those highly placed, those men whom we respected and revered—‘King Cotton, Slavery, States'Rights, Danm Yankees.'
“And so when I lie on my blanket and look up at the stars and say‘What are you fighting for?'I think of States'Rights and cotton and the darkies and the Yankees whom we have been bred up to hate, and I know that none of these is the reason why I am fighting. Instead, I see Twelve Oaks and remember how the moonlight slants across the white columns, and the unearthly way the magnolias look, opening under the moon, and how the climbing roses make the side porch shady even at hottest noon.And I see Mother, sewing there, as she did when I was a little boy.And I hear the darkies coming home across the fields at dusk, tired and singing and ready for supper, and the sound of the windlass as the bucket goes down into the cool well.And there's the long view down the road to the river, across the cotton fields, and the mist rising from the bottom lands in the twilight.And that is why I'm here who have no love of death or misery or glory and no hatred for anyone.Perhaps that is what is called patriotism, love of home and country.But, Melanie, it goes deeper than that.For, Melanie, these things I have named are but the symbols of the thing for which I risk my life, symbols of the kind of life I love.For I am fighting for the old days, the old ways I love so much but which, I fear, are now gone forever, no matter how the die may fall.For, win or lose, we lose just the same.
“If we win this war and have the Cotton Kingdom of our dreams, we still have lost, for we will become a different people and the old quiet ways will go. The world will be at our doors clamoring for cotton and we can command our own price.Then, I fear, we will become like the Yankees, at whose money-making activities, acquisitiveness and commercialism we now sneer.And if we lose, Melanie, if we lose!
“I am not afraid of danger or capture or wounds or even death, if death must come, but I do fear that once this war is over, we will never get back to the old times. And I belong in those old times.I do not belong in this mad present of killing and I fear I will not fit into any future, try though I may.Nor will you, my dear, for you and I are of the same blood.I do not know what the future will bring, but it cannot be as beautiful or as satisfying as the past.
“I lie and look at the boys sleeping near me and I wonder if the twins or Alex or Cade think these same thoughts. I wonder if they know they are fighting for a Cause that was logt the minute the first shot was fired, for our Cause is really our own way of living and that is gone already.But I do not think they think these things and they are lucky.
