登陆注册
15693000000197

第197章

"Suppose, on the other side, that his love for me makes him reckless of everything else? Suppose he says those desperate words again, which I understand now: What _is_ to be, _will_ be.

What have I to do with it, and what has she?' Suppose--suppose--"I won't write any more. I hate writing. It doesn't relieve me--it makes me worse. I'm further from being able to think of all that I _must_ think of than I was when I sat down. It is past midnight. To-morrow has come already; and here I am as helpless as the stupidest woman living! Bed is the only fit place for me.

"Bed? If it was ten years since, instead of to-day; and if I had married Midwinter for love, I might be going to bed now with nothing heavier on my mind than a visit on tiptoe to the nursery, and a last look at night to see if my children were sleeping quietly in their cribs. I wonder whether I should have loved my children if I had ever had any? Perhaps, yes--perhaps, no. It doesn't matter.

"Tuesday morning, ten o'clock.--Who was the man who invented laudanum? I thank him from the bottom of my heart whoever he was.

If all the miserable wretches in pain of body and mind, whose comforter he has been, could meet together to sing his praises, what a chorus it would be! I have had six delicious hours of oblivion; I have woke up with my mind composed; I have written a perfect little letter to Midwinter; I have drunk my nice cup of tea, with a real relish of it; I have dawdled over my morning toilet with an exquisite sense of relief--and all through the modest little bottle of Drops, which I see on my bedroom chimney-piece at this moment. 'Drops,' you are a darling! If Ilove nothing else, I love _you._

"My letter to Midwinter has been sent through the post; and Ihave told him to reply to me in the same manner.

"I feel no anxiety about his answer--he can only answer in one way. I have asked for a little time to consider, because my family circumstances require some consideration, in his interests as well as in mine. I have engaged to tell him what those circumstances are (what shall I say, I wonder?) when we next meet; and I have requested him in the meantime to keep all that has passed between us a secret for the present. As to what he is to do himself in the interval while I am supposed to be considering, I have left it to his own discretion--merely reminding him that his attempting to see me again (while our positions toward each other cannot be openly avowed) might injure my reputation. I have offered to write to him if he wishes it;and I have ended by promising to make the interval of our necessary separation as short as I can.

"This sort of plain, unaffected letter--which I might have written to him last night, if his story had not been running in my head as it did--has one defect, I know. It certainly keeps him out of the way, while I am casting my net, and catching my gold fish at the great house for the second time; but it also leaves an awkward day of reckoning to come with Midwinter if I succeed.

How am I to manage him? What am I to do? I ought to face those two questions as boldly as usual; but somehow my courage seems to fail me, and I don't quite fancy meeting _that_ difficulty, till the time comes when it _must_ be met. Shall I confess to my diary that I am sorry for Midwinter, and that I shrink a little from thinking of the day when he hears that I am going to be mistress at the great house?

"But I am not mistress yet; and I can't take a step in the direction of the great house till I have got the answer to my letter, and till I know that Midwinter is out of the way.

Patience! patience! I must go and forget myself at my piano.

There is the 'Moonlight Sonata' open, and tempting me, on the music-stand. Have I nerve enough to play it, I wonder? Or will it set me shuddering with the mystery and terror of it, as it did the other day?

"Five o'clock.--I have got his answer. The slightest request Ican make is a command to him. He has gone; and he sends me his address in London. 'There are two considerations' (he says)'which help to reconcile me to leaving you. The first is that _you_ wish it, and that it is only to be for a little while. The second is that I think I can make some arrangements in London for adding to my income by my own labor. I have never cared for money for myself; but you don't know how I am beginning already to prize the luxuries and refinements that money can provide, for my wife's sake.' Poor fellow! I almost wish I had not written to him as I did; I almost wish I had not sent him away from me.

"Fancy if Mother Oldershaw saw this page in my diary! I have had a letter from her this morning--a letter to remind me of my obligations, and to tell me she suspects things are all going wrong. Let her suspect! I shan't trouble myself to answer; Ican't be worried with that old wretch in the state I am in now.

"It is a lovely afternoon--I want a walk--I mustn't think of Midwinter. Suppose I put on my bonnet, and try my experiment at once at the great house? Everything is in my favor. There is no spy to follow me, and no lawyer to keep me out, this time. Am Ihandsome enough, today? Well, yes; handsome enough to be a match for a little dowdy, awkward, freckled creature, who ought to be perched on a form at school, and strapped to a backboard to straighten her crooked shoulders.

" 'The nursery lisps out in all they utter;Besides, they always smell of bread-and-butter.'

"How admirably Byron has described girls in their teens!

"Eight o'clock.--I have just got back from Armadale's house. Ihave seen him, and spoken to him; and the end of it may be set down in three plain words. I have failed. There is no more chance of my being Mrs. Armadale of Thorpe Ambrose than there is of my being Queen of England.

"Shall I write and tell Oldershaw? Shall I go back to London? Not till I have had time to think a little. N ot just yet.

同类推荐
热门推荐
  • 红颜醉:三生随

    红颜醉:三生随

    这是一个三生的故事。她与他牵扯了三生,最终仍没换来一次相守。当三生缘尽,他们又该何去何从?
  • 祸乱天下:当系统穿越成玩家

    祸乱天下:当系统穿越成玩家

    作为一名无辜的系统/程序猿,叶若邪欢快地虐着游戏里的玩家,最后滚滚天雷从天而降,她(幕后系统)穿越成为了玩家。(滴------恭喜系统成功穿越成玩家,祝系统游戏愉快~)一阵懵逼后,她睁眼,抬头,看见了传说中她创造的汤姆苏NPC男主。她:“呵呵呵呵你好NPC………我创造了你,但不是你妈(我是万能的系统!)…所以喂喂你你你别过来!…”某已崩坏黑化的NPC歪头含笑向她走去:“抱歉系统无法识别该命令……”她:“……”所以说目前这只NPC根本没有按照她设定的剧情走吗?!
  • 十二星神之神魔混世篇

    十二星神之神魔混世篇

    在这大千世界,各种缘分纠葛叫人长叹不已,没有了绝对的对与错,只有在乎与不在乎,认同与不认同,愿意与不愿意¨¨¨
  • 风吹起如花般零落流年

    风吹起如花般零落流年

    她说过:“转身的那一秒开始,我的幸福,便与你无关。”她说过:“你越想知道自己是不是忘记的时候,你反而记得越清楚,我曾经听人说过,当你不能再拥有的时候,唯一可以做的就是令自己不要忘记。“她说过:”我真的累了谁能懂我,冷淡只不过是伪装而已。“
  • 叶玄天火传

    叶玄天火传

    奇幻的大陆,奇幻的故事,看天下风景,拥世间美人,过非凡的人生!
  • 梦宇引

    梦宇引

    我是上官梦,我不是什么五官特别突出,多才多艺的女生。在姐姐和妹妹的面前,我是那么的自卑与不出众。命运给了我一个机会,让我穿越到了新的世界,让我书写自己独特的青春吧!我是东方司,我的童年不是一帆风顺的,虽身居高位,但我依旧未尝得幸福的滋味,我不对外界展现我自己,只对那个人……阿姗处女作《梦宇引》,希望大家喜欢,很快改版漫画,和小梦一起脱颖而出,展现自我吧!
  • 天价追妻:冷少通缉小甜妻

    天价追妻:冷少通缉小甜妻

    首次相遇,她跌跌撞撞,扑倒在他怀里。他霸道:“既然你这么喜欢我的怀,就一直躺下去吧。”她呆愣了很长时间,最终抛下一句:“你有病吧。”领证结婚,霸道总裁放下冷漠,求着她:“老婆,求扑倒。”她翻了一个白眼:“滚。”她们结婚那天,他因为一个神秘的女人而狠心抛弃她,三年后他回来,竟然依然无法忘记。他霸道,有钱,是有名的冷少,爱他的女人很多,而他却独爱她一人。她心如死灰,已不可能再原谅他,可他依旧执着,开启天价追妻模式。“我的许诺,我一定要追到你。”冷漠的他竟然第一次在朋友面前流露出火热,坚定道。
  • 就选择沉默

    就选择沉默

    90后少女理智追求梦想的过程。一路走来,经历许多磨难,见多许多人心,看透多少事故。一步一个脚印,一路认真走来,不管发生了多大的变化,目标,始终不变。不管生活发生了多么大的艰难,心,始终如一,梦想一直不变。
  • 四大神兽之重回巅峰

    四大神兽之重回巅峰

    早在五千年前,四大神兽为保护地球而同时陨落!五千年后他们都重新回归,但以全都失忆。这时,一个孩子在一个平凡的家中诞生,他就是青龙,他一步步走向巅峰之路,但不小心染上邪念,巅峰之路戛然而止,后来,一位道术高超的老人救了他。巅峰之路再次进行,但师傅的死,玄武的重病,朱雀被抓,一次办事的严重失误,使他的精神收到严重摧毁,从半山腰直坠谷底。身为四大神兽之首!他是否能带领朱雀、玄武、白虎重回巅峰呢?欢迎收看《四大神兽之重回巅峰》有兴趣请加群:542970785【木木布偶一群】谢谢!!
  • 英雄联盟之符文之旅

    英雄联盟之符文之旅

    新书请大家多多支持,给个推荐和收藏,万分感谢。我大EZ这么帅,才配得上主角。为了皮城的使命,探险家伊泽瑞尔踏上了旅途。一段段惊奇的冒险,有趣的故事开始了。