From the miserable Sunday night on which she had sobbed herself to sleep,the consciousness had continually grown clearer that she could never find in her old mode of life any satisfying pleasure.
She had caught a glimpse of something so much better,that her former world looked as tawdry as the mimic scenery of a second-rate theatre.A genuine man,such as she had not seen or at least not recognized before,had stepped out before the gilt and tinsel,and the miserable shams were seen in contrast in their rightful character.
But,in bringing the revelation,it happened he had so deeply wounded her pride,that she had assured herself,again and again,she would hate his very name as long as she lived.Did she hate him as she saw him absorbed in conversation with Miss Burton whenever he could obtain the opportunity?Did she hate him as she saw that his eyes consciously avoided her and rested approvingly on another woman?Were hate and love so near akin?Could the belief that he despised her make her so wretched if she only hated him?
During the early part of the present week she had struggled almost fiercely to retain her hold on her old life.Uniting herself to a clique of thoughtless young people,who made amusement and excitement their only pursuit,she seemed to be the gayest and most reckless of them all,while her heart was sinking like lead.Every glance toward the cold,averted face of the artist,inspired her with more than his own scorn toward what she was and the frivolities of her life.She tried to shut her eyes to the truth,and clung desperately to every impeding trifle;but felt all the time that an irresistible tide of events was carrying her toward the revelation that she loved a man who despised her,and always would despise her.
And on this night,when she saw their dim forms and heard their low tones as Miss Burton and Van Berg talked earnestly on the farther end of the piazza;when she saw that they grasped hands in parting,and noted the rapt look upon his face as he passed her by uncaringly and unnotingly--the revelation came.It was as sharply and painfully distinct as if he had stopped and plunged a knife into her heart.
With all her faults and follies,Ida had never been a pale shadowy creature,full of complex psychological moods which neither she nor any one else could untangle.She knew whom and what she liked and disliked,and it was not her nature to do things by halves.
There had always been a kind of simplicity and straightforwardness even in her wickedness;and she usually seemed to people quite as bad,and indeed worse,than she really was.
Why of all others she loved this man,and how it all had come about,was a mystery that puzzled her sorely;but she had no labyrinthine heart in which to play hide and seek with her own consciousness.
And so vividly conscious was she now of this new and absorbing passion,that she hastily turned her face from her companions toward the cloudy sky,that looked as dark to her as it had to Jennie Burton,and for a moment sought desperately to recover from a dizzy,reeling sense of pain that was well-nigh overwhelming.Then the womanly instinct to hide her secret asserted itself,and a moment later her laugh jarred discordantly on Van Berg's ears,and he interpreted it as wisely as have thousands of others who fail to recognize the truth that often no cry of pain is so bitter as a reckless laugh.
A little later,however,her companions missed her.Later still her mother sought admission to her room in vain.
When she came down to breakfast the next morning,she was very quiet and self-possessed,but her face was so pale and the traces of suffering were so manifest,that her mother insisted that she was not well.
She coldly admitted the fact.
The voluble lady launched out into an indefinite number of questions and suggestions of remedies.
"Mother,"said Ida,with a flash of her eyes and an accent which caused not only that lady but several others to look toward her with a little surprise,"if you have anything further to say to me in regard to my health,please say it in my own room."Van Berg glanced towards her several times after this,and was compelled to admit that whatever fault he might justly find,the face with which she confronted him that morning was anything but weak and trivial in its expression.
But her icy reserve and coldness did not compare favorably with Miss Burton,who had now fully regained her smiling reticence,acting as usual as if the only law of her being was to utter genial words and to bestow with consummate tact little gifts of attention and kindness on every side,as the summer sun without was scattering its vivifying rays.
