"I understand, as I never understood, that the world--so dazzling to me now--was made for love and is meaningless without it. The years until yesterday are gray--no, not gray, because that was the colour You were wearing--not gray, because that is a beautiful colour. The empty years until yesterday had no colour at all. Yes, the world has meaning only through loving, and without meaning there is no real life. We live only by loving, and now that this gift of life has come to me I love ALL the world. I feel that I must be so kind, kind, KIND to EVERYBODY! Such an odd thing struck me as my greatest wish. When I was little, I remember grandmother telling me how, when she was a child in pioneer days, the women made the men's clothes--homespun--and how a handsome young Circuit Rider, who was a bachelor, seemed to her the most beautifully dressed man she had ever seen. The women of the different churches made his clothes, as they did their husbands' and brothers.' you see--only better! It came into my head that that would be the divinest happiness that I could know--to sew for you! If you and I lived in those old, old times--you LOOK as if you belonged to them, you know, dear--and You were the young minister riding into the settlement on a big bay horse--and all the girls at the window, of course!--and I sewing away at the homespun for you!--I think all the angels of heaven would be choiring in my heart--and what thick, warm clothes I'd make you for winter! Perhaps in heaven they'll let some of the women sew for the men they love--I wonder!
"I hear Cora's voice from downstairs as I write. She's often so angry with Ray, poor girl. It does not seem to me that she and Ray really belong to each other, though they SAY so often that they do."
Richard having read thus far with a growing, vague uneasiness, looked up, frowning. He hoped Laura had no Marie Bashkirtseff idea of publishing this manuscript. It was too intimate, he thought, even if the names in it were to be disguised.
. . . "Though they SAY so often that they do. I think Ray is in love with HER, but it can't be like THIS. What he feels must be something wholly different--there is violence and wildness in it. And they are bitter with each other so often -always `getting even' for something. He does care--he is frantically "IN love" with her, undoubtedly, but so insanely jealous. I suppose all jealousy is insane. But love is the only sanity. How can what is insane be part of it? I could not be jealous of You. I owe life to you--I have never lived till now."
The next writing was two days later:
. . . . "To-day as I passed your house with Cora, I kept looking at the big front door at which you go in and out so often--YOUR door! I never knew that just a door could look so beautiful! And unconsciously I kept my eyes on it, as we walked on, turning my head and looking and looking back at it, till Cora suddenly burst out laughing, and said: `Well, LAURA!' And I came to myself--and found her looking at me.
It was like getting back after a journey, and for a second I was a little dazed, and Cora kept on laughing at me, and I felt myself getting red. I made some silly excuse about thinking your house had been repainted--and she laughed louder than ever. I was afraid then that she understood--I wonder if she could have?
I hope not, though I love her so much I don't know why I would rather she didn't know, unless it is just my FEELING about it. It is a GUARDIAN feeling--that I must keep for myself, the music of these angels singing in my heart--singing of You. I hope she did not understand--and I so fear she did. Why should I be so AFRAID?" . . .
. . . . "Two days since I have talked to You in your book after Cora caught me staring at your door and laughed at me--and ten minutes ago I was sitting beside the ACTUAL You on the porch! I am trembling yet. It was the first time you'd come for months and months; and yet you had the air of thinking it rather a pleasant thing to do as you came up the steps! And a dizzy feeling came over me, because I wondered if it was seeing me on the street THAT day that put it into your head to come. It seemed too much happiness--and risking too much--to let myself BELIEVE it, but I couldn't help just wondering. I began to tremble as I saw you coming up our side of the street in the moonlight--and when you turned in here I was all panic--I nearly ran into the house. I don't know how I found voice to greet you.
I didn't seem to have any breath left at all. I was so relieved when Cora took a chair between us and began to talk to you, because I'm sure I couldn't have. She and poor Ray had been having one of their quarrels and she was punishing him. Poor boy, he seemed so miserable--though he tried to talk to me--about politics, I think, though I'm not sure, because I couldn't listen much better than either of us could talk. I could only hear Your voice--such a rich, quiet voice, and it has a sound like the look you have--friendly and faraway and wistful. I have thought and thought about what it is that makes you look wistful.
You have less to wish for than anybody else in the world because you have Yourself. So why are you wistful? I think it's just because you ARE!
"I heard Cora asking you why you hadn't come to see us for so long, and then she said: `Is it because you dislike me? You look at me, sometimes, as if you dislike me!' And I wished she hadn't said it. I had a feeling you wouldn't like that `personal' way of talking that she enjoys--and that--oh, it didn't seem to be in keeping with the dignity of You! And I love Cora so much I wanted her to be finer--with You. I wanted her to understand you better than to play those little charming tricks at you. You are so good, so HIGH, that if she could make a real friend of you I think it would be the best thing for her that could happen. She's never had a man-FRIEND. Perhaps she WAS trying to make one of you and hasn't any other way to go about it. She can be so REALLY sweet, I wanted you to see that side of her.
