登陆注册
15448500000007

第7章 CHAPTER III.(1)

ARRANGEMENTS SETTLED. - HARRIS'S METHOD OF DOING WORK. - HOW THE ELDERLY, FAMILY-MAN PUTS UP A PICTURE. - GEORGE MAKES A SENSIBLE, REMARK. - DELIGHTS OF EARLY MORNING BATHING. - PROVISIONS FOR GETTING UPSET.

SO, on the following evening, we again assembled, to discuss and arrange our plans. Harris said:

"Now, the first thing to settle is what to take with us. Now, you get a bit of paper and write down, J., and you get the grocery catalogue, George, and somebody give me a bit of pencil, and then I'll make out a list."

That's Harris all over - so ready to take the burden of everything himself, and put it on the backs of other people.

He always reminds me of my poor Uncle Podger. You never saw such a commotion up and down a house, in all your life, as when my Uncle Podger undertook to do a job. A picture would have come home from the frame-maker's, and be standing in the dining-room, waiting to be put up; and Aunt Podger would ask what was to be done with it, and Uncle Podger would say:

"Oh, you leave that to ME. Don't you, any of you, worry yourselves about that. I'LL do all that."

And then he would take off his coat, and begin. He would send the girl out for sixpen'orth of nails, and then one of the boys after her to tell her what size to get; and, from that, he would gradually work down, and start the whole house.

"Now you go and get me my hammer, Will," he would shout; "and you bring me the rule, Tom; and I shall want the step-ladder, and I had better have a kitchen-chair, too; and, Jim! you run round to Mr. Goggles, and tell him, `Pa's kind regards, and hopes his leg's better; and will he lend him his spirit-level?' And don't you go, Maria, because I shall want somebody to hold me the light; and when the girl comes back, she must go out again for a bit of picture-cord; and Tom! - where's Tom? - Tom, you come here; I shall want you to hand me up the picture."

And then he would lift up the picture, and drop it, and it would come out of the frame, and he would try to save the glass, and cut himself; and then he would spring round the room, looking for his handkerchief. He could not find his handkerchief, because it was in the pocket of the coat he had taken off, and he did not know where he had put the coat, and all the house had to leave off looking for his tools, and start looking for his coat; while he would dance round and hinder them.

"Doesn't anybody in the whole house know where my coat is? I never came across such a set in all my life - upon my word I didn't. Six of you! - and you can't find a coat that I put down not five minutes ago! Well, of all the - "

Then he'd get up, and find that he had been sitting on it, and would call out:

"Oh, you can give it up! I've found it myself now. Might just as well ask the cat to find anything as expect you people to find it."

And, when half an hour had been spent in tying up his finger, and a new glass had been got, and the tools, and the ladder, and the chair, and the candle had been brought, he would have another go, the whole family, including the girl and the charwoman, standing round in a semi-circle, ready to help. Two people would have to hold the chair, and a third would help him up on it, and hold him there, and a fourth would hand him a nail, and a fifth would pass him up the hammer, and he would take hold of the nail, and drop it.

"There!" he would say, in an injured tone, "now the nail's gone."

And we would all have to go down on our knees and grovel for it, while he would stand on the chair, and grunt, and want to know if he was to be kept there all the evening.

The nail would be found at last, but by that time he would have lost the hammer.

"Where's the hammer? What did I do with the hammer? Great heavens!

Seven of you, gaping round there, and you don't know what I did with the hammer!"

We would find the hammer for him, and then he would have lost sight of the mark he had made on the wall, where the nail was to go in, and each of us had to get up on the chair, beside him, and see if we could find it; and we would each discover it in a different place, and he would call us all fools, one after another, and tell us to get down. And he would take the rule, and re-measure, and find that he wanted half thirty-one and three-eighths inches from the corner, and would try to do it in his head, and go mad.

And we would all try to do it in our heads, and all arrive at different results, and sneer at one another. And in the general row, the original number would be forgotten, and Uncle Podger would have to measure it again.

He would use a bit of string this time, and at the critical moment, when the old fool was leaning over the chair at an angle of forty-five, and trying to reach a point three inches beyond what was possible for him to reach, the string would slip, and down he would slide on to the piano, a really fine musical effect being produced by the suddenness with which his head and body struck all the notes at the same time.

And Aunt Maria would say that she would not allow the children to stand round and hear such language.

At last, Uncle Podger would get the spot fixed again, and put the point of the nail on it with his left hand, and take the hammer in his right hand. And, with the first blow, he would smash his thumb, and drop the hammer, with a yell, on somebody's toes.

Aunt Maria would mildly observe that, next time Uncle Podger was going to hammer a nail into the wall, she hoped he'd let her know in time, so that she could make arrangements to go and spend a week with her mother while it was being done.

"Oh! you women, you make such a fuss over everything," Uncle Podger would reply, picking himself up. "Why, I LIKE doing a little job of this sort."

And then he would have another try, and, at the second blow, the nail would go clean through the plaster, and half the hammer after it, and Uncle Podger be precipitated against the wall with force nearly sufficient to flatten his nose.

同类推荐
  • 晓望华清宫

    晓望华清宫

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。
  • 医方论

    医方论

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。
  • 答洛阳主人

    答洛阳主人

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。
  • The Golden Fleece

    The Golden Fleece

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。
  • 弘光实录钞

    弘光实录钞

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。
热门推荐
  • 树妖成长日记

    树妖成长日记

    他从何处来,有将归于何处?世界欠他太多的解释,却没有人给他一个答案。既然世界给不了他答案,那么他就自己去寻找。世界那么大,他要去走走。他是一颗树,一颗会奔跑的树妖他叫黒木。
  • 猫妖志

    猫妖志

    猫妖妙妙曾在九年前舍了一条命,救下了一位容颜俊逸的美少年。终化人形来到人间,不过是想与美少年再续前缘。可是没想到,她的美少年怀里已经另有娇娘她舍了一条命的九年却只换来喜酒一杯。身边人的百般呵护,千般宠溺,到头来才发现不过是一个骗局。她的全部伤痕,均拜他所赐,却还一直傻到对他感激涕零。大婚当日,血染长殿,两人的性命注定只能活一人,是她舍了他,还是她保了他?『妙妙,若你不想活命,大可嫁我为妻。此生来世,我都愿娶你。』『李钰,我为了你能舍掉九条命去,你能不能为了我,不要轮回?』
  • 穿越星域之浅笑倾城

    穿越星域之浅笑倾城

    本是地球一个普通人,却因一场车祸而穿越!吐槽,跳脚?都没用!好吧,既然没用,那我要用我的天赋,闪瞎你们这群无知的人类的钛合金狗眼!他是魔族的魔王,邪魅冷酷,却独独对她一个人不同,哪怕她要这个天下,他,也会给!
  • 我是大反派

    我是大反派

    不良少年南宫灿,机缘巧合之下闯入了一本都市小说之中。作为一个一不小心就丢命的反派角色,面对拥有主角光环的书中男主龙傲天,他该何去何从?
  • 重霄

    重霄

    天地大劫将起,大道崩乱。玄门真人潜居于洞天,地渊妖魔横行在世间。东临府碣石镇的弱冠少年,撑着黄纸伞,提着青锋剑,孤伶一人闯进滔天风雨。烽烟四起的大争之世,陆庭要以两百年众生牛马,换来一朝登临高踞重霄!
  • 混世邪君

    混世邪君

    幼时经历灭门之痛的赵宇斌被隐居十万大山的老怪物所收养;二十年后的他重回都市,他的复仇之路又将引起一场怎样的风云……?
  • 步生殇

    步生殇

    我喜欢你正如你喜欢我,可喜欢终究只是喜欢,待浮华散尽你我终究只是陌路无缘…凤非羽,洛星辰,原本是两条永不交汇的平行线,却在一次意外中握住了对方的手,究竟是天作之合还是上天开的一个小小的玩笑?
  • 戊妖纪

    戊妖纪

    -------------------------------------------------当吾自地狱蹒跚踏来,天地都将落下血泪。--------------------------------------------------
  • 火澜

    火澜

    当一个现代杀手之王穿越到这个世界。是隐匿,还是崛起。一场血雨腥风的传奇被她改写。一条无上的强者之路被她踏破。修斗气,炼元丹,收兽宠,化神器,大闹皇宫,炸毁学院,打死院长,秒杀狗男女,震惊大陆。无止尽的契约能力,上古神兽,千年魔兽,纷纷前来抱大腿,惊傻世人。她说:在我眼里没有好坏之分,只有强弱之分,只要你能打败我,这世间所有都是你的,打不败我,就从这世间永远消失。她狂,她傲,她的目标只有一个,就是凌驾这世间一切之上。三国皇帝,魔界妖王,冥界之主,仙界至尊。到底谁才是陪着她走到最后的那个?他说:上天入地,我会陪着你,你活着,有我,你死,也一定有我。本文一对一,男强女强,强强联手,不喜勿入。
  • 灿烂的时光

    灿烂的时光

    两个女生凭着一些运气和一些努力成功的实现了自己的梦想,同时也收获了自己渴望的爱情,而在这期间也有一段不为人知的坎坷经历,使她们失去了得到的一切,但经历了很多以后的她们最终迎来了让人欣慰羡慕的结局~几个女生和东方神起及SuperJunior的一些故事。。。