May 12.-The weather is getting perfectly delicious.I am sitting with my window open, and my bird is singing with all his heart.I wish Iwas as gay as he is.
I have been thinking lately that it was about time to begin on some of those pieces of self-denial I resolved on upon my birthday.Icould not think of anything great enough for a long time.At last an idea popped into my head.Half the girls at school envy me because Amelia is so fond of me, and Jane Underhill, in particular, is just crazy to get intimate with her.But I have kept Amelia all to myself.
To-day I said to her, Amelia, Jane Underhill admires you above all things.I have a good mind to let you be as intimate with her as you are with me.It will be a great piece of self-denial, but I think it is my duty.She is a stranger, and nobody seems to like her much.""You dear thing, you!" cried Amelia, kissing me."I liked Jane Underhill the moment I saw her.She has such a sweet face and such pleasant manners.But you are so jealous that I never dared to show how I liked her.Don't be vexed, dearie; if you are jealous it is your only fault!"She then rushed off, and I saw her kiss that girl exactly as she kisses me!
This was in recess.I went to my desk and made believe I was studying.Pretty soon Amelia came back.
"She is a sweet girl," she said, "and only to think! She writes poetry! Just hear this! It is a little poem addressed to me.Isn't it nice of her?"I pretended not to hear her.I was as full of all sorts of horrid feelings as I could hold.It enraged me to think that Amelia, after all her professions of love to me, should snatch at the first chance of getting a new friend.Then I was mortified because I was enraged, and I could have torn myself to pieces for being such a fool as to let Amelia see how silly I was.
"I don't know what to make of you, Katy," she said, putting her arms round me."Have I done anything to vex you? Come, let us make up and be friends, whatever it is.I will read you these sweet verses; I am sure you will like them."She read them in her clear, pleasant voice.
"How can you have the vanity to read such stuff?" I cried.
Amelia colored a little.
"You have said and written much more flattering things to me," she replied."Perhaps it has turned my head, and made me too ready to believe what other people say." She folded the paper, and put it into her pocket.We walked home together, after school, as usual, but neither of us spoke a word.And now here I sit, unhappy enough.All my resolutions fail But I did not think Amelia would take me at my word, and rush after that stuck-up, smirking piece.
May 20.-I seem to have got back into all my bad ways again.Mother is quite out of patience with me.I have not prayed for a long time.It does not do any good.
May 21.-It seems this Underhill thing is here for health, though she looks as well as any of us.She is an orphan, and has been adopted by a rich old uncle, who makes a perfect fool of her.Such dresses and such finery as she wears! Last night she had Amelia there to tea, without inviting me, though she knows I am her best friend.She gave her a bracelet made of her own hair.I wonder Amelia's mother lets her accept presents from strangers.My mother would not let me.On the whole, there is nobody like one's own mother.Amelia has been cold and distant to me of late, but no matter what I do or say to my darling, precious mother, she is always kind and loving.She noticed how I moped about to-day, and begged me to tell her what was the matter.I was ashamed to do that.I told her that it was a little quarrel I had had with Amelia.
"Dear child," she said, "how I pity you that you have inherited my quick, irritable temper.""Yours, mother!" I cried out; "what can you mean?"Mother smiled a little at my surprise.
"It is even so," she said.
"Then how did you cure yourself of it? Tell me quick, mother, and let me cure myself of mine.""My dear Katy," she said, "I wish I could make you see that God is just as willing, and just as able to sanctify, as He is to redeem us.
It would save you so much weary, disappointing work.But God has opened my eyes at last.""I wish He would open mine, then," I said, "for all I see now is that I am just as horrid as I can be, and that the more I pray the worse Igrow."
That is not true, dear," she replied; "go on praying-pray without ceasing.
I sat pulling my handkerchief this way and that, and at last rolled it up into a ball and threw it across the room.I wished I could toss my bad feelings into a corner with it.
"I do wish I could make you love to pray, my darling child," mother went on."If you only knew the strength, and the light, and the joy you might have for the simple asking.God attaches no conditions to His gifts.He only says, 'Ask!'""This may be true, but it is hard work to pray.It tires me.And I do wish there was some easy way of growing good.In fact I should like to have God send a sweet temper to me just as He sent bread and meat to Elijah.I don't believe Elijah had to kneel down and pray for them.
