He allowed me to bring upon myself, in one hasty moment, a shadow out of which I shall not soon pass, but He pities and He forgives me, and I have had many precious moments when I could say sincerely and joyfully, "Whom have I in heaven but Thee, and there is none upon earth that I desire besides Thee."With a character still so undisciplined as mine, I seriously doubt whether I could have made him who has honored me with his unmerited affection.Sometimes I think I am as impetuous and as quick-tempered as ever; I get angry with dear mother, and with James even, if they oppose me; how unfit, then, I am to become the mistress of a household and the wife of a good a man!
How came he to love me? I cannot, cannot imagine!
August 31.-The last day of the very happiest summer I ever spent.If I had only been willing to believe the testimony of others I might have been just as happy long ago.But I wanted to have all there was in God and all there was in the world, at once, and there was a constant, painful struggle between the two.I hope that struggle is now over.I deliberately choose and prefer God.I have found a sweet peace in trying to please Him such as I never conceived of.I would not change it for all the best things this world can give.
But I have a great deal to learn.I am like a little child who cannot run to get what he wants, but approaches it step by step, slowly, timidly-and yet approaches it.I am amazed at the patience of my blessed Master and Teacher, but how I love His school!
September.-This, too, has been a delightful month in a certain sense.
Amelia's marriage, at which I had to be present, upset me a little, but it was but a little ruffle on a deep sea of peace.
I saw Dr.Cabot to-day.He is quite well again, ,and speaks of Dr.
Elliott's skill with rapture.He asked about my Sunday scholars and my poor folks, etc., and I could not help letting out a little of the new joy that has taken possession of me.
"This is as it should be," he said.I should be sorry to see a person of your temperament enthusiastic in everything save religion.Do not be discouraged if you still have some ups and downs.'He that is down need fear no fall'; but you are away up on the heights, and may have one, now and then."This made me a little uncomfortable.I don't want any falls.I want to go on to perfection.
OCT.1.-Laura Cabot came to see me today, and seemed very affectionate.
"I hope we may see more of each other than we have done," she began.
"My father wishes it, and so do I."
Katy, mentally.-"Ah! He sees how unworldly, how devoted I am, and so wants Laura under my influence."Katy, aloud.-" I am sure that is very kind."
Laura.-" Not at all.He knows it will be profitable to me to be with you.I get a good deal discouraged at times, and want a friend to strengthen and help me."Katy, to herself.-" Yes, yes, he thinks me quite experienced and trustworthy."Katy, aloud.-" I shall never dare to try to help you.
Laura.-" Oh, yes, you must.I am so far behind you in Christian experience."But I am ashamed to write down any more.After she had gone I felt delightfully puffed up for a while.But when I came up to my room this evening, and knelt down to pray, everything looked dark and chaotic.God seemed far away, and I took no pleasure in speaking to Him.I felt sure that I had done something or felt something wrong, and asked Him to show me what it was.There then flashed into my mind the remembrance of the vain, conceited thoughts I had had during Laura's visit and ever since.
How perfectly contemptible! I have had a fall indeed!
I think now my first mistake was in telling Dr.Cabot my secret, sacred joys, as if some merit of mine had earned them for me.That gave Satan a fine chance to triumph over me! After this I am determined to maintain the utmost reserve in respect to my religious experiences.Nothing is gained by running to tell them, and much is lost.
I feel depressed and comfortless.
