I.
January 15, 1831.
How dreadfully old I am getting! Sixteen! Well, I don't see as I can help it.There it is in the big Bible in father's own hand:
"Katherine, born Jan.15, 1815."
I meant to get up early this morning, but it looked dismally cold out of doors, and felt delightfully warm in bed.So I covered myself up, and made ever so many good resolutions.
I determined, in the first place, to begin this Journal.To be sure, I have begun half a dozen, and got tired of them after a while.Not tired of writing them, but disgusted with what I had to say of myself.But this time I mean to go on, in spite of everything.It will do me good to read it over, and see what a creature I am.
Then I resolved to do more to please mother than I have done.
And I determined to make one more effort to conquer my hasty temper.
I thought, too, I would be self-denying this winter, like the people one reads about in books.I fancied how surprised and pleased everybody would be to see me so much improved!
Time passed quickly amid these agreeable thoughts, and I was quite startled to hear the bell ring for prayers.I jumped up in a great flurry and dressed as quickly as I could.Everything conspired together to plague me.I could not find a clean collar, or a handkerchief.It is always just so.Susan is forever poking my things into out-of-the-way places! When at last I went down, they were all at breakfast.
"I hoped you would celebrate your birthday, dear, by coming down in good season," said mother.
I do hate to be found fault with, so I fired up in an instant.
"If people hide my things so that I can't find them, of course I have to be late," I said.And I rather think I said it in a very cross way, for mother sighed a little.I wish mother wouldn't sigh.I would rather be called names out and out.
The moment breakfast was over I had to hurry off to school.Just as Iwas going out mother said, "Have you your overshoes, dear?""Oh, mother, don't hinder me! I shall be late," I said."I don't need overshoes.""It snowed all night, and I think you do need them," mother said.
"I don't know where they are.I hate overshoes.Do let me go, mother," I cried."I do wish I could ever have my own way.""You shall have it now, my child," mother said, and went away.
Now what was the use of her calling me "my child" in such a tone, Ishould like to know.
I hurried off, and just as I got to the door of the schoolroom it flashed into my mind that I had not said my prayers! A nice way to begin on one's birthday, to be sure! Well, I had not time.And perhaps my good resolutions pleased God almost as much as one of my rambling stupid prayers could.For I must own I can't make good prayers.I can't think of anything to say.I often wonder what mother finds to say when she is shut up by the hour together.
I had a pretty good time at school.My teachers praised me, and Amelia seemed so fond of me! She brought me a birthday present of a purse that she had knit for me herself, and a net for my hair.Nets are just coming into fashion.It will save a good deal of time my having this one.Instead of combing and combing and combing my old hair to get it glossy enough to suit mother, I can just give it one twist and one squeeze and the whole thing will be settled for the day.
Amelia wrote me a dear little note, with her presents.I do really believe she loves me dearly.It is so nice to have people love you!
When I got home mother called me into her room.She looked as if she had been crying.She said I gave her a great deal of pain by my self-will and ill temper and conceit.
"Conceit!" I screamed out."Oh, mother, if you only knew how horrid Ithink I am!"
Mother smiled a little.Then she went on with her list till she made me out the worst creature in the world.I burst out crying, and was running off to my room, but she made me come back and hear the rest.
She said my character would be essentially formed by the time Ireached my twentieth year, and left it to me to say if I wished to be as a woman what I was now as a girl.I felt sulky, and would not answer.I was shocked to think I had got only four years in which to improve, but after all a good deal could be done in that time.Of course I don't want to be always exactly what I am now.
Mother went on to say that I had in me the elements of a fine character if I would only conquer some of my faults."You are frank and truthful," she said, "and in some things conscientious.I hope you are really a child of God, and are trying to please Him.And it is my daily prayer that you may become a lovely, loving, useful woman."I made no answer.I wanted to say something, but my tongue wouldn't move.I was angry with mother, and angry with myself.At last everything came out all in a rush, mixed up with such floods of tears that I thought mother's heart would melt, and that she would take back what she had said.
