You see I'm sassy, friend Wales, hittin' all sides; but no offense is ment.You know I ain't a politician, and never was.I vote for Mr.Union--that's the only candidate I've got.I claim, howsever, to have a well-balanced mind; tho' my idees of a well-balanced mind differs from the idees of a partner I once had, whose name it was Billson.Billson and me orjanized a strollin' dramatic company, & we played The Drunkard, or the Falling Saved, with a real drunkard.The play didn't take particlarly, and says Billson to me, Let's giv 'em some immoral dramy.We had a large troop onto our hands, consisting of eight tragedians and a bass drum, but Isays, No, Billson; and then says I, Billson, you hain't got a well-balanced mind.Says he, Yes, I have, old hoss-fly (he was a low cuss)--yes, I have.I have a mind, says he, that balances in any direction that the public rekires.That's wot I call a well-balanced mind.I sold out and bid adoo to Billson.He is now an outcast in the State of Vermont.The miser'ble man once played Hamlet.There wasn't any orchestry, and wishin' to expire to slow moosic, he died playin' on a claironett himself, interspersed with hart-rendin' groans, &such is the world! Alars! alars! how onthankful we air to that Providence which kindly allows us to live and borrow money, and fail und do bizniss!
But to return to our subjeck.With our resunt grate triumps on the Mississippi, the Father of Waters (and them is waters no Father need feel 'shamed of--twig the wittikism?) and the cheerin' look of things in other places, I reckon we shan't want any Muslum of Harts.And what upon airth do the people of Concord, N.H., want a Muslum of Harts for? Hain't you got the State House now? & what more do you want?
But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note, arter all.
My objeck in now addressin' you is to giv you sum advice, friend Wales, about managin' your wife, a bizniss I've had over thirty years experience in.
You had a good weddin.The papers have a good deal to say about "vikins" in connexion thare with.Not knowings what that air, and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook of the throne, I can't zackly say whether we hab 'em or not.We was both very much flustrated.But I never injoyed myself better in my life.
Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n.As regards eatin'
uses, Baldinsville was allers shaky.But you can git a good meal in New York, & cheap to.You can git half a mackril at Delmonico's or Mr.Mason Dory's for six dollars, and biled pertaters throw'd in.
As I sed, I manige my wife without any particler trouble.
When I fust commenst trainin' her I institooted a series of experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd.You'd better do similer.Your wife may objeck to gittin' up and bildin' the fire in the mornin', but if you commence with her at once you may be able to overkum this prejoodiss.I regret to obsarve that I didn't commence arly enuff.I wouldn't have you s'pose I was ever kicked out of bed.Not at all.Isimply say, in regard to bildin' fires, that, I didn't commence arly enuff.It was a ruther cold mornin' when I fust proposed the idee to Betsy.It wasn't well received, and Ifound myself layin' on the floor putty suddent.I thought I'd git up and bild the fire myself.
