I had nobody to talk to nor nothin to talk about, howsever, and I was very lonely, specially on the first day; so when the jailer parst my lonely sell I put the few stray hairs on the back part of my hed (I'm bald now, but thare was a time when Iwore sweet auburn ringlets) into as dish-hevild a state as possible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I cride: "Stay, jaler, stay! I am not mad, but soon shall be if you don't bring me suthin to Talk!" He brung me sum noospapers, for which I thanked him kindly.
At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, the President of the Southern Conthieveracy.He was quite perlite, and axed me to sit down and state my case.I did it, when he larfed and said his gallunt men had been a little 2 enthoosiastic in confisticatin my show.
"Yes," sez I, "they confisticated me too muchly.I had sum hosses confisticated in the same way onct, but the confisticaters air now poundin stun in the States Prison in Injinnapylus.""Wall, wall Mister Ward, you air at liberty to depart; you air friendly to the South, I know.Even now we hav many frens in the North, who sympathize with us, and won't mingle with this fight.""J.Davis, there's your grate mistaik.Many of us was your sincere frends, and thought certin parties amung us was fussin about you and meddlin with your consarns intirely too much.
But J.Davis, the minit you fire a gun at the piece of dry-goods called the Star-Spangled Banner, the North gits up and rises en massy, in defence of that banner.Not agin you as individooals,--not agin the South even--but to save the flag.
We should indeed be weak in the knees, unsound in the heart, milk-white in the liver, and soft in the hed, if we stood quietly by, and saw this glorus Govyment smashed to pieces, either by a furrin or a intestine foe.The gentle-harted mother hates to take her naughty child across her knee, but she knows it is her dooty to do it.So we shall hate to whip the naughty South, but we must do it if you don't make back tracks at onct, and we shall wallup you out of your boots! J.
Davis, it is my decided opinion that the Sonny South is makin a egrejus mutton-hed of herself!""Go on, sir, you're safe enuff.You're two small powder for me!" sed the President of the Southern Conthieveracy.
"Wait till I go home and start out the Baldinsville Mounted Hoss Cavalry! I'm Capting of that Corpse, I am, and J.Davis, beware! Jefferson D., I now leave you! Farewell my gay Saler Boy! Good-bye, my bold buccaneer! Pirut of the deep blue sea, adoo! adoo!"My tower threw the Southern Conthieveracy on my way home was thrillin enuff for yeller covers.It will form the subjeck of my next.Betsy Jane and the projeny air well.
Yours respectively, A.Ward.
2.2.THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE.
I had a narrer scape from the sonny South."The swings and arrers of outrajus fortin," alluded to by Hamlick, warn't nothin in comparison to my trubles.I come pesky near swearin sum profane oaths more'n onct, but I hope I didn't do it, for I've promist she whose name shall be nameless (except that her initials is Betsy J.) that I'll jine the Meetin House at Baldinsville, jest as soon as I can scrape money enuff together so I can 'ford to be piuss in good stile, like my welthy nabers.But if I'm confisticated agin I'm fraid Ishall continner on in my present benited state for sum time.
I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes in my tower from Montgomry to my humsted, and on sevril occasions Ithought "the grate komick paper" wouldn't be inriched no more with my lubrications.Arter biddin adoo to Jefferson D.Istarted for the depot.I saw a nigger sittin on a fence a playin on a banjo, "My Afrikan Brother," sed I, coting from a Track I onct red, "you belong to a very interestin race.Your masters is goin to war excloosively on your account.""Yes, boss," he replied, "an' I wish 'em honorable graves!"and he went on playin the banjo, larfin all over and openin his mouth wide enuff to drive in an old-fashioned 2 wheeled chaise.
The train of cars in which I was to trust my wallerable life, was the scaliest, rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that Iever saw on wheels afore."What time does this string of second-hand coffins leave?" I inquired of the depot master.
He sed direckly, and I went in & sot down.I hadn't more'n fairly squatted afore a dark lookin man with a swinister expression onto his countenance entered the cars, and lookin very sharp at me, he axed what was my principles?
"Secesh!" I ansered."I'm a Dissoluter.I'm in favor of Jeff Davis, Bowregard, Pickens, Capt.Kidd, Bloobeard, Munro Edards, the devil, Mrs.Cunningham and all the rest of 'em.""You're in favor of the war?"
"Certingly.By all means.I'm in favor of this war and also of the next war.I've been in favor of the next war for over sixteen years!""War to the knife!" sed the man.
"Blud, Eargo, Blud!" sed I, tho them words isn't orrigernal with me, them words was rit by Shakspeare, who is ded.His mantle fell onto the author of "The Seven Sisters," who's goin to hav a Spring overcoat made out of it.
We got under way at larst, an' proceeded on our jerney at about the rate of speed which is ginrally obsarved by properly-conducted funeral processions.A hansum yung gal, with a red musketer bar on the back side of her hed, and a sassy little black hat tipt over her forrerd, sot in the seat with me.She wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat, and she was a goin for to see her troo love, who had jined the Southern army, all so bold and gay.So she told me.She was chilly and I offered her my blanket.
"Father livin?" I axed.
"Yes, sir."
"Got any Uncles?"
"A heap.Uncle Thomas is ded, tho."
"Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and success to him! I will be your Uncle Thomas! Lean on me, my pretty Secesher, and linger in Blissful repose!" She slept as secoorly as in her own housen, and didn't disturb the sollum stillness of the night with 'ary snore!
