Sez I, risin and puttin on a austeer look, "William, I woodunt be a fool if I had common cents."But he kept on larfin till he was black in the face, when he fell over on to the bunk where the hostler sleeps, and in a still small voice sed, "Twins!" I ashure you gents that the grass didn't grow under my feet on my way home, & I was follered by a enthoosiastic throng of my feller sitterzens, who hurrard for Old Ward at the top of their voises.I found the house chock full of peple.Thare was Mis Square Baxter and her three grown-up darters, lawyer Perkinses wife, Taberthy Ripley, young Eben Parsuns, Deakun Simmuns folks, the Skoolmaster, Doctor Jordin, etsetterry, etsetterry.Mis Ward was in the west room, which jines the kitchen.Mis Square Baxter was mixin suthin in a dipper before the kitchin fire, & a small army of female wimin were rushin wildly round the house with bottles of camfire, peaces of flannil, &c.I never seed such a hubbub in my natral born dase.I cood not stay in the west room only a minit, so strung up was my feelins, so I rusht out and ceased my dubbel barrild gun.
"What upon airth ales the man?" sez Taberthy Ripley."Sakes alive, what air you doin?" & she grabd me by the coat tales."What's the matter with you?" she continnerd.
"Twins, marm," sez I, "twins!"
"I know it," sez she, coverin her pretty face with her apun.
"Wall," sez I, "that's what's the matter with me!""Wall, put down that air gun, you pesky old fool," sed she.
"No, marm," sez I, "this is a Nashunal day.The glory of this here day isn't confined to Baldinsville by a darn site.On yonder woodshed," sed I, drawin myself up to my full hite and speakin in a show-actin voice, "will I fire a Nashunal saloot!" sayin whitch Itared myself from her grasp and rusht to the top of the shed whare I blazed away until Square Baxter's hired man and my son Artemus Juneyer cum and took me down by mane force.
On returnin to the Kitchin I found quite a lot of peple seated be4the fire, a talkin the event over.They made room for me & I sot down."Quite a eppisode," sed Docter Jordin, litin his pipe with a red-hot coal.
"Yes," sed I, "2 eppisodes, waying abowt 18 pounds jintly.""A perfeck coop de tat," sed the skoolmaster.
"E pluribus unum, in proprietor persony," sed I, thinking I'd let him know I understood furrin langwidges as well as he did, if Iwasn't a skoolmaster.
"It is indeed a momentious event," sed young Eben Parsuns, who has been 2 quarters to the Akademy.
"I never heard twins called by that name afore," sed I, "But Ispose it's all rite."
"We shall soon have Wards enuff," sed the editer of the Baldinsville "Bugle of Liberty," who was lookin over a bundle of exchange papers in the corner, "to apply to the legislater for a City Charter!""Good for you, old man!" sed I; "giv that air a conspickius place in the next "Bugle.""How redicklus," sed pretty Susan Fletcher, coverin her face with her knittin work & larfin like all possest.
"Wall, for my part," sed Jane Maria Peasly, who is the crossest old made in the world, "I think you all act like a pack of fools."Sez I, "Miss Peasly, air you a parent?"
Sez she, "No, I ain't."
Sez I, "Miss Peasly, you never will be."
She left.
We sot there talkin & larfin until "the switchin hour of nite, when grave yards yawn & Josts troop 4th," as old Bill Shakespire aptlee obsarves in his dramy of John Sheppard, esq, or the Moral House Breaker, when we broke up & disbursed.
Muther & children is a doin well & as Resolushuns is the order of the day I will feel obleeged if you'll insurt the follerin--Whereas, two Eppisodes has happined up to the undersined's house, which is Twins; & Whereas I like this stile, sade twins bein of the male perswashun & both boys; there4 Be it--RESOLVED, That to them nabers who did the fare thing by sade Eppisodes my hart felt thanks is doo.
RESOLVED, That I do most hartily thank Engine Ko.No.17, who, under the impreshun from the fuss at my house on that auspishus nite that thare was a konflagration goin on, kum galyiantly to the spot, but kindly refraned from squirtin.
RESOLVED, That frum the Bottum of my Sole do I thank the Baldinsville brass band fur givin up the idea of Sarahnadin me, both on that great nite & sinse.
RESOLVED, That my thanks is doo several members of the Baldinsville meetin house who for 3 whole dase hain't kalled me a sinful skoffer or intreeted me to mend my wicked wase and jine sade meetin house to onct.
RESOLVED, That my Boozum teams with meny kind emoshuns towards the follerin individoouls, to whit namelee--Mis.Square Baxter, who Jenerusly refoozed to take a sent for a bottle of camfire; lawyer Perkinses wife who rit sum versis on the Eppisodes; the Editer of the Baldinsville "Bugle of Liberty," who nobly assisted me in wollupin my Kangeroo, which sagashus little cuss seriusly disturbed the Eppisodes by his outrajus screetchins & kickins up; Mis.Hirum Doolittle, who kindly furnisht sum cold vittles at a tryin time, when it wasunt konvenient to cook vittles at my hous; & the Peasleys, Parsunses & Watsunses fur there meny ax of kindness.
Trooly yures, Artemus Ward.
1.29.BOSTON.(A.WARD TO HIS WIFE.)
Dear Betsy: I write you this from Boston, "the Modern Atkins," as it is denomyunated, altho' I skurcely know what those air.I'll giv you a kursoory view of this city.I'll klassify the paragrafs under seprit headins, arter the stile of those Emblems of Trooth and Poority, the Washinton correspongdents!
COPP'S HILL.
The winder of my room commands a exileratin view of Copps' Hill, where Cotton Mather, the father of the Reformers and sich, lies berrid.There is men even now who worship Cotton, and there is wimin who wear him next their harts.But I do not weep for him.
He's bin ded too lengthy.I ain't going to be absurd, like old Mr.
Skillins, in our naberhood, who is ninety-six years of age, and gets drunk every 'lection day, and weeps Bitturly because he haint got no Parents.He's a nice Orphan, HE is.
BUNKER HILL.
