"I hope, marm," sez I, starting back, "that your intensions is honorable! I'm a lone man hear in a strange place.Besides, I've a wife to hum.""Yes," cried the female, "& she's a slave! Doth she never dream of freedom--doth she never think of throwin off the yoke of tyrrinny & thinkin & votin for herself?--Doth she never think of these here things?""Not bein a natral born fool," sed I, by this time a little riled, "I kin safely say that she dothunt.""Oh whot--whot!" screamed the female, swingin her umbreller in the air.--"O, what is the price that woman pays for her expeeriunce!""I don't know," sez I; "the price of my show is 15 cents pur individooal.""& can't our Soisety go in free?" asked the female.
"Not if I know it," sed I.
"Crooil, crooil man!" she cried, & bust into teers.
"Won't you let my darter in?" sed anuther of the exsentric wimin, taken me afeckshunitely by the hand."O, please let my darter in,--shee's a sweet gushin child of natur.""Let her gush!" roared I, as mad as I cood stick at their tarnal nonsense; "let her gush!" Where upon they all sprung back with the simultanious observashun that I was a Beest.
"My female friends," sed I, "be4 you leeve, I've a few remarks to remark; wa them well.The female woman is one of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste.Its onpossible to get along without her.Had there bin no female wimin in the world, I should scarcely be here with my unparalleld show on this very occashun.She is good in sickness--good in wellness--good all the time.O woman, woman!" I cried, my feelins worked up to a hi poetick pitch, "you air a angle when you behave yourself; but when you take off your proper appairel & (mettyforically speaken)--get into pantyloons--when you desert your firesides, & with your heds full of wimin's rites noshuns go round like roarin lions, seekin whom you may devour someboddy--in short, when you undertake to play the man, you play the devil and air an emfatic noosance.My female friends," I continnered, as they were indignantly departin, "wa well what A.Ward has sed!"1.23.WOULD-BE SEA DOGS.
Sum of the captings on the Upper Ohio River put on a heep of airs.To hear 'em git orf saler lingo you'd spose they'd bin on the briny Deep for a lifetime, when the fact is they haint tasted salt water since they was infants, when they had to take it for WORMS.Still they air good natered fellers, and when they drink they take a dose big enuff for a grown person.
1.24.THE PRINCE OF WALES.
To my friends of the Editorial Corpse:
I rite these lines on British sile.I've bin follerin Mrs.
Victory's hopeful sun Albert Edward threw Kanady with my onparaleled Show, and tho I haint made much in a pecoonary pint of vew, I've lernt sumthin new, over hear on British Sile, whare they bleeve in Saint George and the Dragoon.Previs to cumin over hear I tawt my organist how to grind Rule Brittany and other airs which is poplar on British Sile.I likewise fixt a wax figger up to represent Sir Edmun Hed the Govner Ginral.The statoot I fixt up is the most versytile wax statoot I ever saw.I've showd it as Wm.Penn, Napoleon Bonypart, Juke of Wellington, the Beneker Boy, Mrs.Cunningham & varis other notid persons, and also for a sertin pirut named Hix.I've bin so long amung wax statoots that I can fix 'em up to soot the tastes of folks, & with sum paints I hav I kin giv their facis a beneverlent or fiendish look as the kase requires.I giv Sir Edmun Hed a beneverlent look, & when sum folks who thawt they was smart sed it didn't look like Sir Edmun Hed anymore than it did anybody else, I sed, "That's the pint.That's the beauty of the Statoot.It looks like Sir Edmun Hed or any other man.You may kall it what you pleese.
Ef it don't look like anybody that ever lived, then it's sertinly a remarkable Statoot & well worth seein._I_ kall it Sir Edmun Hed.YOU may kall it what you pleese!" [I had 'em thare.]
At larst I've had a interview with the Prince, tho it putty nigh cost me my vallerble life.I cawt a glimpse of him as he sot on the Pizarro of the hotel in Sarnia, & elbowd myself threw a crowd of wimin, children, sojers & Injins that was hangin round the tavern.I was drawin near to the Prince when a red-faced man in Millingtery close grabd holt of me and axed me whare I was goin all so bold?
"To see Albert Edard the Prince of Wales," sez I; "who are you?"He sed he was Kurnel of the Seventy Fust Regiment, Her Magisty's troops.I told him I hoped the Seventy Onesters was in good helth, and was passin by when he ceased hold of me agin, and sed in a tone of indigent cirprise:
"What? Impossible! It kannot be! Blarst my hize, sir, did Iunderstan you to say that you was actooally goin into the presents of his Royal Iniss?""That's what's the matter with me," I replide.
"But blarst my hize, sir, its onprecedented.It's orful, sir.
Nothin' like it hain't happened sins the Gun Powder Plot of Guy Forks.Owdashus man, who air you?""Sir," sez I, drawin myself up & puttin on a defiant air, "I'm a Amerycan sitterzen.My name is Ward.I'm a husband & the father of twins, which I'm happy to state thay look like me.
By perfeshun I'm a exhibiter of wax works & sich.""Good God!" yelled the Kurnal, "the idee of a exhibiter of wax figgers goin into the presents of Royalty! The British Lion may well roar with raje at the thawt!"Sez I, "Speakin of the British Lion, Kurnal, I'd like to make a bargin with you fur that beast fur a few weeks to add to my Show." I didn't meen nothin by this.I was only gettin orf a goak, but you roter hev seen the Old Kurnal jump up & howl.He actooally fomed at the mowth.
"This can't be real," he showtid."No, no.It's a horrid dream.Sir, you air not a human bein--you hav no existents--yure a Myth!"
"Wall," sez I, "old hoss, yule find me a ruther onkomfortable Myth ef you punch my inards in that way agin." I began to git a little riled, fur when he called me a Myth he puncht me putty hard.The Kurnal now commenst showtin fur the Seventy Onesters.
