He sed I mite show.
"You air a marrid man, Mister Yung, I bleeve?" sez I, preparin to rite him sum free parsis.
"I hev eighty wives, Mister Ward.I sertinly am married.""How do you like it as far as you hev got?" sed I.
He sed "middlin," and axed me wouldn't I like to see his famerly, to which I replide that I wouldn't mine minglin with the fair Seck & Barskin in the winnin smiles of his interestin wives.He accordingly tuk me to his Scareum.The house is powerful big & in a exceedin large room was his wives &children, which larst was squawkin and hollerin enuff to take the roof rite orf the house.The wimin was of all sizes and ages.Sum was pretty & sum was Plane--sum was helthy and sum was on the Wayne--which is verses, tho sich was not my intentions, as I don't 'prove of puttin verses in Proze rittins, tho ef occashun requires I can Jerk a Poim ekal to any of them Atlantic Munthly fellers.
"My wives, Mister Ward," sed Yung.
"Your sarvant, marms," sed I, as I sot down in a cheer which a red-heded female brawt me.
"Besides these wives you see here, Mister Ward," sed Yung, "Ihav eighty more in varis parts of this consecrated land which air Sealed to me.""Which?" sez I, gittin up & starin at him.
"Sealed, Sir! sealed."
"Whare bowts?" sez I.
"I sed, Sir, that they was sealed!" He spoke in a traggerdy voice.
"Will they probly continner on in that stile to any grate extent, Sir?" I axed.
"Sir," sed he, turnin as red as a biled beet, "don't you know that the rules of our Church is that I, the Profit, may hev as meny wives as I wants?""Jes so," I sed."You are old pie, ain't you?""Them as is Sealed to me--that is to say, to be mine when Iwants um--air at present my sperretooul wives," sed Mister Yung.
"Long may thay wave!" sez I, seein I shood git into a scrape ef I didn't look out.
In a privit conversashun with Brigham I learnt the follerin fax: It takes him six weeks to kiss his wives.He don't do it only onct a yere & sez it is wuss nor cleanin house.He don't pretend to know his children, thare is so many of um, tho they all know him.He sez about every child he meats call him Par, & he takes it for grantid it is so.His wives air very expensiv.Thay allers want suthin & ef he don't buy it for um thay set the house in a uproar.He sez he don't have a minit's peace.His wives fite amung their selves so much that he has bilt a fitin room for thare speshul benefit, & when too of 'em get into a row he has em turnd loose into that place, whare the dispoot is settled accordin to the rules of the London prize ring.Sum times thay abooz hisself individooally.Thay hev pulled the most of his hair out at the roots & he wares meny a horrible scar upon his body, inflicted with mop-handles, broom-sticks, and sich.Occashunly they git mad & scald him with bilin hot water.When he got eny waze cranky thay'd shut him up in a dark closit, previsly whippin him arter the stile of muthers when thare orfsprings git onruly.Sumptimes when he went in swimmin thay'd go to the banks of the Lake & steal all his close, thereby compellin him to sneek home by a sircootius rowt, drest in the Skanderlus stile of the Greek Slaiv."Ifind that the keers of a marrid life way hevy onto me," sed the Profit, "& sumtimes I wish I'd remaned singel." I left the Profit and startid for the tavern whare I put up to.On my way I was overtuk by a lurge krowd of Mormons, which they surroundid me & statid that they were goin into the Show free.
"Wall," sez I, "ef I find a individooal who is goin round lettin folks into his show free, I'll let you know.""We've had a Revelashun biddin us go into A.Wards's Show without payin nothin!" thay showtid.
"Yes," hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses, ceasin me by the cote tales & swingin me round very rapid, "we're all goin in free! So sez the Revelashun!""What's Old Revelashun got to do with my show?" sez I, gittin putty rily."Tell Mister Revelashun," sed I, drawin myself up to my full hite and lookin round upon the ornery krowd with a prowd & defiant mean, "tell Mister Revelashun to mind his own bizness, subject only to the Konstitushun of the United States!""Oh now let us in, that's a sweet man," sed several femails, puttin thare arms round me in luvin style."Become 1 of us.
Becum a Preest & hav wives Sealed to you.""Not a Seal!" sez I, startin back in horror at the idee.
"Oh stay, Sir, stay," sed a tell, gawnt femaile, ore whoos hed 37 summirs must hev parsd, "stay, & I'll be your Jentle Gazelle.""Not ef I know it, you won't," sez I."Awa you skanderlus femaile, awa! Go & be a Nunnery!" THAT'S WHAT I SED, JES SO.
"& I," sed a fat chunky femaile, who must hev wade more than too hundred lbs, "I will be your sweet gidin Star!"Sez I, "Ile bet two dollers and a half you won't!" Whare ear Imay Rome Ile still be troo 2 thee, Oh Betsy Jane! [N.B.Betsy Jane is my wife's Sir naime.]
"Wiltist thou not tarry here in the promist Land?" sed several of the miserabil critters.
"Ile see you all essenshally cussed be4 I wiltist!" roared I, as mad as I cood be at thare infernul noncents.I girdid up my Lions & fled the Seen.I packt up my duds & Left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum & Germorrer, inhabitid by as theavin &onprincipled a set of retchis as ever drew Breth in eny spot on the Globe.
1.16.SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURG.
Hear in the Buzzum of my famerly I am enjoyin myself, at peas with awl mankind and the wimin folks likewise.I go down to the villige ockashunly and take a little old Rye fur the stummuck's sake, but I avoyd spiritus lickers as a ginral thing.No man evir seen me intossikated but onct, and that air happind in Pittsburg.A parsel of ornery cusses in that luvly sity bustid inter the hawl durin the nite and aboosed my wax works shaimful.I didn't obsarve the outrajus transacshuns ontil the next evening when the peple begun for to kongregate.
