Sez I, "my frens, it's troo I'm hear, & now bring on your Sperrets."1 of the long hared fellers riz up and sed he would state a few remarks.He sed man was a critter of intelleck & was movin on to a Gole.Sum men had bigger intellecks than other men had and thay wood git to the Gole the soonerest.Sum men was beests &wood never git into the Gole at all.He sed the Erth was materiel but man was immaterial, and hens man was different from the Erth.The Erth, continnered the speaker, resolves round on its own axeltree onct in 24 hours, but as man haint gut no axeltree he cant resolve.He sed the ethereal essunce of the koordinate branchis of super-human natur becum mettymorfussed as man progrest in harmonial coexistunce & eventooally anty humanized theirselves & turned into reglar sperretuellers.(This was versifferusly applauded by the cumpany, and as I make it a pint to get along as pleasant as possible, I sung out "bully for you, old boy.")The cumpany then drew round the table and the Sircle kommenst to go it.Thay axed me if thare was an body in the Sperret land which I wood like to convarse with.I sed if Bill Tompkins, who was onct my partner in the show biznis, was sober, I should like to convarse with him a few periods.
"Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present?" sed 1 of the long hared chaps, and there was three knox on the table.
Sez I, "William, how goze it, Old Sweetness?""Pretty ruff, old hoss," he replide.
That was a pleasant way we had of addressin each other when he was in the flesh.
"Air you in the show bizniz, William?" sed I.
He sed he was.He sed he & John Bunyan was travelin with a side show in connection with Shakspere, Jonson & Co.'s Circus.
He sed old Bun (meanin Mr.Bunyan,) stired up the animils &ground the organ while he tended door.Occashunally Mr.Bunyan sung a comic song.The Circus was doin middlin well.Bill Shakspeer had made a grate hit with old Bob Ridley, and Ben Jonson was delitin the peple with his trooly grate ax of hossmanship without saddul or bridal.Thay was rehersin Dixey's Land & expected it would knock the peple.
Sez I, "William, my luvly friend, can you pay me that 13dollars you owe me?" He sed no with one of the most tremenjis knox I ever experiunsed.
The Sircle sed he had gone."Air you gone, William?" I axed.
"Rayther," he replide, and I knowd it was no use to pursoo the subjeck furder.
I then called fur my farther.
"How's things, daddy?"
"Middlin, my son, middlin."
"Ain't you proud of your orfurn boy?"
"Scacely."
"Why not, my parient?"
"Becawz you hav gone to writin for the noospapers, my son.
Bimeby you'll lose all your character for trooth and verrasserty.When I helpt you into the show biznis I told you to dignerfy that there profeshun.Litteratoor is low."He also statid that he was doin middlin well in the peanut biznis & liked it putty well, tho' the climit was rather warm.
When the Sircle stopt thay axed me what I thawt of it.
Sez I, "My frends I've bin into the show biznis now goin on 23years.Theres a artikil in the Constitooshun of the United States which sez in effeck that everybody may think just as he darn pleazes, & them is my sentiments to a hare.You dowtlis beleeve this Sperret doctrin while I think it is a little mixt.
Just so soon as a man becums a reglar out & out Sperret rapper he leeves orf workin, lets his hare grow all over his fase &commensis spungin his livin out of other peple.He eats all the dickshunaries he can find & goze round chock full of big words, scarein the wimmin folks & little children & destroyin the piece of mind of evry famerlee he enters.He don't do nobody no good & is a cuss to society & a pirit on honest peple's corn beef barrils.Admittin all you say abowt the doctrin to be troo, I must say the reglar perfessional Sperrit rappers--them as makes a biznis on it--air abowt the most ornery set of cusses I ever enkountered in my life.So sayin Iput on my surtoot and went home.
Respectably Yures, Artemus Ward.
1.7.ON THE WING.
Gents of the Editorial Corpse.--
Since I last rit you I've met with immense success a showin my show in varis places, particly at Detroit.I put up at Mr.
Russel's tavern, a very good tavern too, but I am sorry to inform you that the clerks tried to cum a Gouge Game on me.Ibrandished my new sixteen dollar huntin-cased watch round considerable, & as I was drest in my store clothes & had a lot of sweet-scented wagon-grease on my hair, I am free to confess that I thought I lookt putty gay.It never once struck me that I lookt green.But up steps a clerk & axes me hadn't I better put my watch in the Safe."Sir," sez I, "that watch cost sixteen dollars! Yes, Sir, every dollar of it! You can't cum it over me, my boy! Not at all, Sir." I know'd what the clerk wanted.He wanted that watch himself.He wanted to make believe as tho he lockt it up in the safe, then he would set the house a fire and pretend as tho the watch was destroyed with the other property! But he caught a Tomarter when he got hold of me.From Detroit I go West'ard hoe.On the cars was a he-lookin female, with a green-cotton umbreller in one hand and a handful of Reform tracks in the other.She sed every woman should have a Spear.Them as didn't demand their Spears, didn't know what was good for them."What is my Spear?" she axed, addressing the people in the cars."Is it to stay at home & darn stockins & be the ser-LAVE of a domineerin man? Or is it my Spear to vote & speak & show myself the ekal of a man?
Is there a sister in these keers that has her proper Spear?"Sayin which the eccentric female whirled her umbreller round several times, & finally jabbed me in the weskit with it.
"I hav no objecshuns to your goin into the Spear bizness," sez I, "but you'll please remember I ain't a pickeril.Don't Spear me agin, if you please." She sot down.
