The meetin house was as neat as a pin.The floor was white as chalk and smooth as glass.The Shakers was all on hand, in clean weskits and meal bags, ranged on the floor like milingtery companies, the mails on one side of the room and the females on tother.They commenst clappin their hands and singin and dancin.
They danced kinder slow at fust, but as they got warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell you.Elder Uriah, in particler, exhiberted a right smart chance of spryness in his legs, considerin his time of life, and as he cum a dubble shuffle near where I sot, I rewarded him with a approvin smile and sed:
"Hunky boy! Go it, my gay and festiv cuss!""You're a man of sin!" he sed, continnerin his shuffle.
The Sperret, as they called it, then moved a short fat Shaker to say a few remarks.He sed they was Shakers and all was ekal.
They was the purest and Seleckest peple on the yearth.Other peple was sinful as they could be, but Shakers was all right.
Shakers was all goin kerslap to the Promist Land, and nobody want goin to stand at the gate to bar 'em out, if they did they'd git run over.
The Shakers then danced and sung agin, and arter they was threw, one of 'em axed me what I thawt of it.
Sez I, "What duz it siggerfy?"
"What?" sez he.
"Why this jumpin up and singin? This long weskit bizniss, and this anty-matrimony idee? My frends, you air neat and tidy.
Your lands is flowin with milk and honey.Your brooms is fine, and your apple sass is honest.When a man buys a keg of apple sass of you he don't find a grate many shavins under a few layers of sass--a little Game I'm sorry to say sum of my New Englan ancesters used to practiss.Your garding seeds is fine, and if Ishould sow 'em on the rock of Gibralter probly I should raise a good mess of garding sass.You air honest in your dealins.You air quiet and don't distarb nobody.For all this I givs you credit.But your religion is small pertaters, I must say.You mope away your lives here in single retchidness, and as you air all by yourselves nothing ever conflicks with your pecooler idees, except when Human Nater busts out among you, as Iunderstan she sumtimes do.[I giv Uriah a sly wink here, which made the old feller squirm like a speared Eel.] You wear long weskits and long faces, and lead a gloomy life indeed.No children's prattle is ever hearn around your harthstuns--you air in a dreary fog all the time, and you treat the jolly sunshine of life as tho' it was a thief, drivin it from your doors by them weskits, and meal bags, and pecooler noshuns of yourn.The gals among you, sum of which air as slick pieces of caliker as I ever sot eyes on, air syin to place their heds agin weskits which kiver honest, manly harts, while you old heds fool yerselves with the idee that they air fulfillin their mishun here, and air contented.Here you air all pend up by yerselves, talkin about the sins of a world you don't know nothin of.Meanwhile said world continners to resolve round on her own axletree onct in every 24 hours, subjeck to the Constitution of the United States, and is a very plesant place of residence.It's a unnatral, onreasonable and dismal life you're leadin here.So it strikes me.My Shaker frends, I now bid you a welcome adoo.You hav treated me exceedin well.Thank you kindly, one and all.
"A base exhibiter of depraved monkeys and onprincipled wax works!" sed Uriah.
"Hello, Uriah," sez I, "I'd most forgot you.Wall, look out for them fits of yourn, and don't catch cold and die in the flour of your youth and beauty."And I resoomed my jerney.
1.4.HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA.
In the Faul of 1856, I showed my show in Uticky, a trooly grate sitty in the State of New York.
The people gave me a cordyal recepshun.The press was loud in her prases.
1 day as I was givin a descripshun of my Beests and Snaiks in my usual flowry stile what was my skorn disgust to see a big burly feller walk up to the cage containin my wax figgers of the Lord's Last Supper, and cease Judas Iscarrot by the feet and drag him out on the ground.He then commenced fur to pound him as hard as he cood.
"What under the son are you abowt?" cried I.
Sez he, "What did you bring this pussylanermus cuss here fur?"and he hit the wax figger another tremenjis blow on the hed.
Sez I, "You egrejus ass, that air's a wax figger--a representashun of the false 'Postle."Sez he, "That's all very well fur you to say, but I tell you, old man, that Judas Iscarrot can't show hisself in Utiky with impunerty by a darn site!" with which observashun he kaved in Judassis hed.The young man belonged to 1 of the first famerlies in Utiky.I sood him, and the Joory brawt in a verdick of Arson in the 3d degree.
1.5.CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HONOR OF THE ATLANTIC CABLE.
Baldinsville, Injianny, Sep.the onct, 18&58.--I was summund home from Cinsinnaty quite suddin by a lettur from the Supervizers of Baldinsville, sayin as how grate things was on the Tappis in that air town in refferunse to sellebratin the compleshun of the Sub-Mershine Tellergraph & axkin me to be Pressunt.Lockin up my Kangeroo and wax wurks in a sekure stile I took my departer for Baldinsville--"my own, my nativ lan," which I gut intwo at early kandle litin on the follerin night & just as the sellerbrashun and illumernashun ware commensin.
