The Broadway houses have given the public immense quantities of Central Park, Seven Sisters, Nancy Sykes, and J.Cade.I suppose the Broadway houses have done this chiefly because it has paid them, and so I mean no disrespect when I state that to me the thing became rather stale.I sighed for novelty.A man may stand stewed veal for several years, but banquets consisting exclusively of stewed veal would become uninteresting after a century or so.A man would want something else.The least particular man, it seems to me, would desire to have his veal "biled," by way of a change.So I, tired of the threadbare pieces at the Broadway houses, went to the East Side for something fresh.I wanted to see some libertines and brigands.I wanted to see some cheerful persons identified with the blacksmith and sewing-machine interests triumph over those libertines and brigands in the most signal manner.I wanted, in short, to see the Downfall of Vice and Triumph of Virtue.That was what ailed me.And so I went to the East Side.
Poor Jack Scott is gone, and Jo.Kirby dies no more on the East Side.They've got the blood and things over there, but, alas!
they're deficient in lungs.The tragedians in the Bowery and Chatham Street of to-day don't start the shingles on the roof as their predecessors, now cold and stiff in death, used to when they threw themselves upon their knees at the footlights and roared a red-hot curse after the lord who had carried Susan away, swearing to never more eat nor drink until the lord's vile heart was torn from his body and ther-rown to the dorgs--rattling their knives against the tin lamps and glaring upon the third tier most fearfully the while.
Glancing at the spot where it is said Senator Benjamin used to vend second-hand clothes, and regretting that he had not continued in that comparatively honorable vocation instead of sinking to his present position--wondering if Jo.Kirby would ever consent, if he were alive, to die wrapped up in a Secession flag!--gazing admiringly upon the unostentatious signboard which is suspended in front of the Hon.Izzy Lazarus's tavern--glancing, wondering, and gazing thus, I enter the old Chatham theatre.The pit is full, but people fight shy of the boxes.
The play is about a servant girl, who comes to the metropolis from the agricultural districts in short skirts, speckled hose, and a dashing little white hat, gaily decked with pretty pink ribbons--that being the style of dress invariably worn by servant girls from the interior.She is accompanied by a chaste young man in a short-tailed red coat, who, being very desirous of protecting her from the temptations of a large city, naturally leaves her in the street and goes off somewhere.Servant girl encounters an elderly female, who seems to be a very nice sort of person indeed, but the young man in a short-tailed coat comes in and thrusts the elderly female aside, calling her "a vile hag." This pleases the pit, which is ever true to virtue, and it accordingly cries "Hi! hi! hi!"A robber appears.The idea of a robber in times like these is rather absurd.The most adroit robber would eke out a miserable subsistence if he attempted to follow his profession now-a-days.Ishould prefer to publish a daily paper in Chelsea.Nevertheless, here is a robber.He has been playing poker with his "dupe," but singularly enough the dupe has won all the money.This displeases the robber, and it occurs to him that he will kill the dupe.He accordingly sticks him.The dupe staggers, falls, says "Dearest Eliza!" and dies.Cries of "Hi! hi! hi!" in the pit, while a gentleman with a weed on his hat, in the boxes, states that the price of green smelts is five cents a quart.This announcement is not favorably received by the pit, several members of which come back at the weeded individual with some advice in regard to liquidating a long-standing account for beans and other refreshments at an adjacent restaurant.
The robber is seized with remorse, and says the money which he has taken from the dupe's pockets "scorches" him.Robber seeks refuge in a miser's drawing-room, where he stays for "seven days." There is a long chest full of money and diamonds in the room.The chest is unlocked, but misers very frequently go off and leave long chests full of money unlocked in their drawing-rooms for seven days, and this robber was too much of a gentleman to take advantage of this particular miser's absence.By and by the miser returns, when the robber quietly kills him and chucks him in the chest."Sleep with your gold, old man!" says the bold robber, as he melodramatically retreats--retreats to a cellar, where the servant girl resides.
Finds that she was formerly his gal when he resided in the rural districts, and regrets having killed so many persons, for if so be he hadn't he might marry her and settle down, whereas now he can't do it, as he says he is "unhappy." But he gives her a ring--a ring he has stolen from the dupe--and flies.Presently the dupe, who has come to life in a singular but eminently theatrical manner, is brought into the cellar.He discovers the ring upon the servant girl's finger--servant girl states that she is innocent, and the dupe, with the remark that he sees his mother, dies, this time positively without reserve.Servant girl is taken to Newgate, whither goes the robber and gains admission by informing the turnkey that he is her uncle.Throws off his disguise, and, like a robber bold and gay, says he is the guilty party and will save the servant girl.He drinks a vial of poison, says he sees HIS mother, and dies to slow fiddling.Servant girl throws herself upon him wildly, and the virtuous young party in a short-tailed coat comes in and assists in the tableau.Robber tells the servant girl to take the party in the short-tailed coat and be happy, repeats that he sees his mother (they always do), and dies again.Cries of "Hi! hi! hi!" and the weeded gentleman reiterates the price of green smelts.
