Gladiatorial A FTER the fiasco of the proposal, Birkin had hurried blindly away from Beldover, in a whirl of fury.He felt he had been a complete fool, that the whole scene had been a farce of the first water.But that did not trouble him at all.He was deeply, mockingly angry that Ursula persisted always in this old cry: `Why do you want to bully me?' and in her bright, insolent abstraction.
He went straight to Shortlands.There he found Gerald standing with his back to the fire, in the library, as motionless as a man is, who is completely and emptily restless, utterly hollow.He had done all the work he wanted to do -- and now there was nothing.He could go out in the car, he could run to town.But he did not want to go out in the car, he did not want to run to town, he did not want to call on the Thirlbys.He was suspended motionless, in an agony of inertia, like a machine that is without power.
This was very bitter to Gerald, who had never known what boredom was, who had gone from activity to activity, never at a loss.Now, gradually, everything seemed to be stopping in him.He did not want any more to do the things that offered.Something dead within him just refused to respond to any suggestion.He cast over in his mind, what it would be possible to do, to save himself from this misery of nothingness, relieve the stress of this hollowness.And there were only three things left, that would rouse him, make him live.One was to drink or smoke hashish, the other was to be soothed by Birkin, and the third was women.And there was no-one for the moment to drink with.Nor was there a woman.And he knew Birkin was out.So there was nothing to do but to bear the stress of his own emptiness.
When he saw Birkin his face lit up in a sudden, wonderful smile.
`By God, Rupert,' he said, `I'd just come to the conclusion that nothing in the world mattered except somebody to take the edge off one's being alone: the right somebody.'
The smile in his eyes was very astonishing, as he looked at the other man.It was the pure gleam of relief.His face was pallid and even haggard.
`The right woman, I suppose you mean,' said Birkin spitefully.
`Of course, for choice.Failing that, an amusing man.'
He laughed as he said it.Birkin sat down near the fire.
`What were you doing?' he asked.
`I? Nothing.I'm in a bad way just now, everything's on edge, and Ican neither work nor play.I don't know whether it's a sign of old age, I'm sure.'
`You mean you are bored?'
`Bored, I don't know.I can't apply myself.And I feel the devil is either very present inside me, or dead.'
Birkin glanced up and looked in his eyes.
`You should try hitting something,' he said.
Gerald smiled.
`Perhaps,' he said.`So long as it was something worth hitting.'
`Quite!' said Birkin, in his soft voice.There was a long pause during which each could feel the presence of the other.
`One has to wait,' said Birkin.
`Ah God! Waiting! What are we waiting for?'
`Some old Johnny says there are three cures for ennui , sleep, drink, and travel,' said Birkin.
`All cold eggs,' said Gerald.`In sleep, you dream, in drink you curse, and in travel you yell at a porter.No, work and love are the two.When you're not at work you should be in love.'
`Be it then,' said Birkin.
`Give me the object,' said Gerald.`The possibilities of love exhaust themselves.'
`Do they? And then what?'
`Then you die,' said Gerald.
`So you ought,' said Birkin.
`I don't see it,' replied Gerald.He took his hands out of his trousers pockets, and reached for a cigarette.He was tense and nervous.He lit the cigarette over a lamp, reaching forward and drawing steadily.He was dressed for dinner, as usual in the evening, although he was alone.
`There's a third one even to your two,' said Birkin.`Work, love, and fighting.You forget the fight.'
`I suppose I do,' said Gerald.`Did you ever do any boxing --?'
`No, I don't think I did,' said Birkin.
`Ay --' Gerald lifted his head and blew the smoke slowly into the air.
`Why?' said Birkin.
`Nothing.I thought we might have a round.It is perhaps true, that I want something to hit.It's a suggestion.'
`So you think you might as well hit me?' said Birkin.
`You? Well! Perhaps --! In a friendly kind of way, of course.'
`Quite!' said Birkin, bitingly.
Gerald stood leaning back against the mantel-piece.He looked down at Birkin, and his eyes flashed with a sort of terror like the eyes of a stallion, that are bloodshot and overwrought, turned glancing backwards in a stiff terror.
`I fell that if I don't watch myself, I shall find myself doing something silly,' he said.
`Why not do it?' said Birkin coldly.
Gerald listened with quick impatience.He kept glancing down at Birkin, as if looking for something from the other man.
`I used to do some Japanese wrestling,' said Birkin.`A Jap lived in the same house with me in Heidelberg, and he taught me a little.But Iwas never much good at it.'
`You did!' exclaimed Gerald.`That's one of the things I've never ever seen done.You mean jiu-jitsu, I suppose?'
`Yes.But I am no good at those things -- they don't interest me.'
`They don't? They do me.What's the start?'
`I'll show you what I can, if you like,' said Birkin.
`You will?' A queer, smiling look tightened Gerald's face for a moment, as he said, `Well, I'd like it very much.'
`Then we'll try jiu-jitsu.Only you can't do much in a starched shirt.'
`Then let us strip, and do it properly.Hold a minute --' He rang the bell, and waited for the butler.
`Bring a couple of sandwiches and a syphon,' he said to the man, `and then don't trouble me any more tonight -- or let anybody else.'
The man went.Gerald turned to Birkin with his eyes lighted.
`And you used to wrestle with a Jap?' he said.`Did you strip?'
`Sometimes.'
`You did! What was he like then, as a wrestler?'
`Good, I believe.I am no judge.He was very quick and slippery and full of electric fire.It is a remarkable thing, what a curious sort of fluid force they seem to have in them, those people not like a human grip -- like a polyp --'
Gerald nodded.
`I should imagine so,' he said, `to look at them.They repel me, rather.'
