Religious Nature AwakenedABOLITIONISTS SPOKEN OF--MY EAGERNESS TO KNOW WHAT THIS WORDMEANT--MY CONSULTATION OF THE DICTIONARY--INCENDIARYINFORMATION--HOW AND WHERE DERIVED--THE ENIGMA SOLVED--NATHANIELTURNER'S INSURRECTION--THE CHOLERA--RELIGION--FIRST AWAKENED BY AMETHODIST MINISTER NAMED HANSON--MY DEAR AND GOOD OLD COLOREDFRIEND, LAWSON--HIS CHARACTER AND OCCUPATION--HIS INFLUENCE OVERME--OUR MUTUAL ATTACHMENT--THE COMFORT I DERIVED FROM HISTEACHING--NEW HOPES AND ASPIRATIONS--HEAVENLY LIGHT AMIDSTEARTHLY DARKNESS--THE TWO IRISHMEN ON THE WHARF--THEIRCONVERSATION--HOW I LEARNED TO WRITE--WHAT WERE MY AIMS.
Whilst in the painful state of mind described in the foregoing chapter, almost regretting my very existence, because doomed to a life of bondage, so goaded and so wretched, at times, that I was even tempted to destroy my own life, I was keenly sensitive and eager to know any, and every thing that transpired, having any relation to the subject of slavery. I was all ears, all eyes, whenever the words _slave, slavery_, dropped from the lips of any white person, and the occasions were not unfrequent when these words became leading ones, in high, social debate, at our house.
Every little while, I could hear Master Hugh, or some of his company, speaking with much warmth and excitement about _"abolitionists."_ Of _who_ or _what_ these were, I was totally ignorant. I found, however, that whatever they might be, they were most cordially hated and soundly abused by slaveholders, of every grade. I very soon discovered, too, that slavery was, in some <128>sort, under consideration, whenever the abolitionists were alluded to. This made the term a very interesting one to me. If a slave, for instance, had made good his escape from slavery, it was generally alleged, that he had been persuaded and assisted by the abolitionists. If, also, a slave killed his master--as was sometimes the case--or struck down his overseer, or set fire to his master's dwelling, or committed any violence or crime, out of the common way, it was certain to be said, that such a crime was the legitimate fruits of the abolition movement.
Hearing such charges often repeated, I, naturally enough, received the impression that abolition--whatever else it might be--could not be unfriendly to the slave, nor very friendly to the slaveholder. I therefore set about finding out, if possible, _who_ and _what_ the abolitionists were, and _why_ they were so obnoxious to the slaveholders. The dictionary afforded me very little help. It taught me that abolition was the "act of abolishing;" but it left me in ignorance at the very point where I most wanted information--and that was, as to the _thing_ to be abolished. A city newspaper, the _Baltimore American_, gave me the incendiary information denied me by the dictionary. In its columns I found, that, on a certain day, a vast number of petitions and memorials had been presented to congress, praying for the abolition of slavery in the District of Columbia, and for the abolition of the slave trade between the states of the Union.
This was enough. The vindictive bitterness, the marked caution, the studied reverse, and the cumbrous ambiguity, practiced by our white folks, when alluding to this subject, was now fully explained. Ever, after that, when I heard the words "abolition,"or "abolition movement," mentioned, I felt the matter one of a personal concern; and I drew near to listen, when I could do so, without seeming too solicitous and prying. There was HOPE in those words. Ever and anon, too, I could see some terrible denunciation of slavery, in our papers--copied from abolition papers at the north--and the injustice of such denunciation commented on. These I read with avidity. <129 ABOLITIONISM--THEENIGMA SOLVED>I had a deep satisfaction in the thought, that the rascality of slaveholders was not concealed from the eyes of the world, and that I was not alone in abhorring the cruelty and brutality of slavery. A still deeper train of thought was stirred. I saw that there was _fear_, as well as _rage_, in the manner of speaking of the abolitionists. The latter, therefore, I was compelled to regard as having some power in the country;and I felt that they might, possibly, succeed in their designs.
When I met with a slave to whom I deemed it safe to talk on the subject, I would impart to him so much of the mystery as I had been able to penetrate. Thus, the light of this grand movement broke in upon my mind, by degrees; and I must say, that, ignorant as I then was of the philosophy of that movement, I believe in it from the first--and I believed in it, partly, because I saw that it alarmed the consciences of slaveholders. The insurrection of Nathaniel Turner had been quelled, but the alarm and terror had not subsided. The cholera was on its way, and the thought was present, that God was angry with the white people because of their slaveholding wickedness, and, therefore, his judgments were abroad in the land. It was impossible for me not to hope much from the abolition movement, when I saw it supported by the Almighty, and armed with DEATH!
