登陆注册
14885500000159

第159章

“No, Sonia, that’s not it,” he began again suddenly, raising his head, as though a new and sudden train of thought had struck and as it were roused him—“that’s not it! Better … imagine—yes, it’s certainly better—imagine that I am vain, envious, malicious, base, vindictive and … well, perhaps with a tendency to insanity. (Let’s have it all out at once! They’ve talked of madness already, I noticed.) I told you just now I could not keep myself at the university. But do you know that perhaps I might have done? My mother would have sent me what I needed for the fees and I could have earned enough for clothes, boots and food, no doubt. Lessons had turned up at half a rouble. Razumihin works! But I turned sulky and wouldn’t. (Yes, sulkiness, that’s the right word for it!) I sat in my room like a spider. You’ve been in my den, you’ve seen it. … And do you know, Sonia, that low ceilings and tiny rooms cramp the soul and the mind? Ah, how I hated that garret! And yet I wouldn’t go out of it! I wouldn’t on purpose! I didn’t go out for days together, and I wouldn’t work, I wouldn’t even eat, I just lay there doing nothing. If Nastasya brought me anything, I ate it, if she didn’t, I went all day without; I wouldn’t ask, on purpose, from sulkiness! At night I had no light, I lay in the dark and I wouldn’t earn money for candles. I ought to have studied, but I sold my books; and the dust lies an inch thick on the notebooks on my table. I preferred lying still and thinking. And I kept thinking. … And I had dreams all the time, strange dreams of all sorts, no need to describe! Only then I began to fancy that … No, that’s not it! Again I am telling you wrong! You see I kept asking myself then: why am I so stupid that if others are stupid—and I know they are—yet I won’t be wiser? Then I saw, Sonia, that if one waits for everyone to get wiser it will take too long. … Afterwards I understood that that would never come to pass, that men won’t change and that nobody can alter it and that it’s not worth wasting effort over it. Yes, that’s so. That’s the law of their nature, Sonia, … that’s so! … And I know now, Sonia, that whoever is strong in mind and spirit will have power over them. Anyone who is greatly daring is right in their eyes. He who despises most things will be a lawgiver among them and he who dares most of all will be most in the right! So it has been till now and so it will always be. A man must be blind not to see it!”

Though Raskolnikov looked at Sonia as he said this, he no longer cared whether she understood or not. The fever had complete hold of him; he was in a sort of gloomy ecstasy (he certainly had been too long without talking to anyone). Sonia felt that his gloomy creed had become his faith and code.

“I divined then, Sonia,” he went on eagerly, “that power is only vouchsafed to the man who dares to stoop and pick it up. There is only one thing, one thing needful: one has only to dare! Then for the first time in my life an idea took shape in my mind which no one had ever thought of before me, no one! I saw clear as daylight how strange it is that not a single person living in this mad world has had the daring to go straight for it all and send it flying to the devil! I … I wanted to have the daring … and I killed her. I only wanted to have the daring, Sonia! That was the whole cause of it!”

“Oh hush, hush,” cried Sonia, clasping her hands. “You turned away from God and God has smitten you, has given you over to the devil!”

“Then Sonia, when I used to lie there in the dark and all this became clear to me, was it a temptation of the devil, eh?”

“Hush, don’t laugh, blasphemer! You don’t understand, you don’t understand! Oh God! He won’t understand!”

“Hush, Sonia! I am not laughing. I know myself that it was the devil leading me. Hush, Sonia, hush!” he repeated with gloomy insistence. “I know it all, I have thought it all over and over and whispered it all over to myself, lying there in the dark. … I’ve argued it all over with myself, every point of it, and I know it all, all! And how sick, how sick I was then of going over it all! I have kept wanting to forget it and make a new beginning, Sonia, and leave off thinking. And you don’t suppose that I went into it headlong like a fool? I went into it like a wise man, and that was just my destruction. And you mustn’t suppose that I didn’t know, for instance, that if I began to question myself whether I had the right to gain power—I certainly hadn’t the right—or that if I asked myself whether a human being is a louse it proved that it wasn’t so for me, though it might be for a man who would go straight to his goal without asking questions. … If I worried myself all those days, wondering whether Napoleon would have done it or not, I felt clearly of course that I wasn’t Napoleon. I had to endure all the agony of that battle of ideas, Sonia, and I longed to throw it off: I wanted to murder without casuistry, to murder for my own sake, for myself alone! I didn’t want to lie about it even to myself. It wasn’t to help my mother I did the murder—that’s nonsense —I didn’t do the murder to gain wealth and power and to become a benefactor of mankind. Nonsense! I simply did it; I did the murder for myself, for myself alone, and whether I became a benefactor to others, or spent my life like a spider catching men in my web and sucking the life out of men, I couldn’t have cared at that moment. … And it was not the money I wanted, Sonia, when I did it. It was not so much the money I wanted, but something else. … I know it all now. … Understand me! Perhaps I should never have committed a murder again. I wanted to find out something else; it was something else led me on. I wanted to find out then and quickly whether I was a louse like everybody else or a man. Whether I can step over barriers or not, whether I dare stoop to pick up or not, whether I am a trembling creature or whether I have the right …”

“To kill? Have the right to kill?” Sonia clasped her hands.

同类推荐
  • 万如禅师语录

    万如禅师语录

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。
  • The Armies of Labor

    The Armies of Labor

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。
  • 女科百问

    女科百问

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。
  • 清真居士年谱

    清真居士年谱

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。
  • 读医随笔

    读医随笔

    本书为公版书,为不受著作权法限制的作家、艺术家及其它人士发布的作品,供广大读者阅读交流。
热门推荐
  • 倾爱小娇妻

    倾爱小娇妻

    见面时,她笑意清浅,双眸灿若繁星,“老师我可不可以追你啊?”他性暖情凉,他说她带给他爱情的曙光。她心怀旧梦,她说他是她荒芜的世界最独特的风景线。当一切师生光芒褪去后,他是商业数一数二的大人物,她是薛氏集团公司董事长的千金,母亲逝世,被父利用,爱人逝去,继母和所谓的妹妹对她争锋相对,家无容身之地......直到遇见他,他护她爱他,给她所有,不允许她受半点委屈......
  • 丫头快跑:一大波校草来袭

    丫头快跑:一大波校草来袭

    平凡到走在大街上都没人发现的米米拉除了学习啥都不会,可,命运的齿轮转了起来。以为考了个好成绩被送到贵族学院(圣英学院),哎呀糟糕,米米拉快跑,后面一大波校草即将来袭。爆笑不断敬请期待~
  • 异世罗马帝国

    异世罗马帝国

    君士坦丁堡——众城之女皇,闻名遐迩的铁甲骑兵依旧驻扎在提奥多西城墙之下,保留着古典传统的禁卫军依旧守卫着圣宫,圣索菲亚大教堂依旧进行古老而隆重的弥撒仪式,提奥多西广场上依旧排满了遵从古老商业规范的店家,始建于罗马时代军事大道——埃格南地亚大道上依旧车水马龙,川流不息。在异世界之中,一切亦然,且看林杰如何运用全面战争系统在异世界中重现罗马的威严与荣光!
  • 家庭教师之我才不要当妹妹

    家庭教师之我才不要当妹妹

    本文讲述的是一只妹子以外穿越到了《家庭教师》,当了某男主的妹妹,开启了一段奇妙之旅。日常篇黑曜战戒指争夺战未来决战会发生什么呢?尽情期待把~
  • 未来战争o

    未来战争o

    虽然当今世界和平安康,但强者的野心应不停息,在未来,他们又会有怎样的战争
  • 冷漠大叔:我的邻居很爱我

    冷漠大叔:我的邻居很爱我

    “白痴”这是他最喜欢叫我的名字,而我喜欢叫他大叔,因为他比我大好多,他是个孤僻的男人,他有自闭症,而我就是那个打开他心扉的人。在边伯贤的世界里只有她白智恩,为了白智恩他可以不顾一切,甚至违抗家族命令,即使边伯贤与白智恩有年龄差,可他们从来不会介意,觉得只要相爱就够了,不顾家人反对,可以私奔,可以浪迹天涯,可以隐姓埋名的过一辈子,只要有彼此就够了.....
  • 盛开的南方殇之花

    盛开的南方殇之花

    轻叹,谁撩青丝苦烦忧。羁绊,烟水两望各西东。一把光焱剑造成多少杀戮,一本无名之书造就一代天才。一把剑,一本书造就一代传奇。是正是邪?邪正难辨。
  • 王爷的小魔妃

    王爷的小魔妃

    21世纪的黑暗女王灵狐又名凤灵曦被恋人背叛,穿越到修仙世界成为婴儿,暗夜表示小女子能伸能屈,她忍。因外公喝醉酒而把她买给了认识不到三天,连名字都不知道的男人做徒弟,某女子表示尊老爱幼,她忍。被无良帅傅坑下人间历练,其实是为他找火灵珠,某个头上冒烟的暗夜表示再忍,权当游山玩水。可看到不知从那冒出来的师兄在爬她的床,暗夜表示,忍无可忍无需再忍……
  • 青梅竹马:单恋时光

    青梅竹马:单恋时光

    她,肆意高傲,却因为内心的愧疚把自己封闭起来,等到她褪去表面的伪装,光芒万丈的她吸引了无数男神的眼球,他霸道地拦过她:“她是我的!”接着,噼里啪啦,一阵暴打。。。。。
  • 光明的尾巴

    光明的尾巴

    十七年前消失的邪宗星月湖重现江湖太白山孤儿院置之不理河田国无名观所为不明南朝御龙卫尚在成长之期恩怨何了天道轮回(本人与天斗法失败,新书一直是暂不处理状态,感觉永远发不了新书了,只能把这本书慢慢磨下去了,慢热情感文,喜欢的请收下吧)境界划分:修气:一到十重天修念:入河,留湖,归海修镜:入境,瞑觉,梨栀,涅槃,通明