The most frightful part of the situation was that my judgment was against me; as a matter of fact, everything went to prove that Marguerite loved me. First, her proposal to spend the summer with me in the country, then the certainty that there was no reason why she should be my mistress, since my income was insufficient for her needs and even for her caprices. There could not then have been on her part anything but the hope of finding in me a sincere affection, able to give her rest from the mercenary loves in whose midst she lived; and on the very second day I had destroyed this hope, and paid by impertinent irony for the love which I had accepted during two nights. What I had done was therefore not merely ridiculous, it was indelicate. I had not even paid the woman, that I might have some right to find fault with her; withdrawing after two days, was I not like a parasite of love, afraid of having to pay the bill of the banquet? What! Ihad only known Marguerite for thirty-six hours; I had been her lover for only twenty-four; and instead of being too happy that she should grant me all that she did, I wanted to have her all to myself, and to make her sever at one stroke all her past relations which were the revenue of her future. What had I to reproach in her? Nothing. She had written to say she was unwell, when she might have said to me quite crudely, with the hideous frankness of certain women, that she had to see a lover; and, instead of believing her letter, instead of going to any street in Paris except the Rue d'Antin, instead of spending the evening with my friends, and presenting myself next day at the appointed hour, I was acting the Othello, spying upon her, and thinking to punish her by seeing her no more. But, on the contrary, she ought to be enchanted at this separation. She ought to find me supremely foolish, and her silence was not even that of rancour;it was contempt.
I might have made Marguerite a present which would leave no doubt as to my generosity and permit me to feel properly quits of her, as of a kept woman, but I should have felt that I was offending by the least appearance of trafficking, if not the love which she had for me, at all events the love which I had for her, and since this love was so pure that it could admit no division, it could not pay by a present, however generous, the happiness that it had received, however short that happiness had been.
That is what I said to myself all night long, and what I was every moment prepared to go and say to Marguerite. When the day dawned I was still sleepless. I was in a fever. I could think of nothing but Marguerite.
As you can imagine, it was time to take a decided step, and finish either with the woman or with one's scruples, if, that is, she would still be willing to see me. But you know well, one is always slow in taking a decided step; so, unable to remain within doors and not daring to call on Marguerite, I made one attempt in her direction, an attempt that I could always look upon as a mere chance if it succeeded.
It was nine o'clock, and I went at once to call upon Prudence, who asked to what she owed this early visit. I dared not tell her frankly what brought me. I replied that I had gone out early in order to reserve a place in the diligence for C., where my father lived.
"You are fortunate," she said, "in being able to get away from Paris in this fine weather."I looked at Prudence, asking myself whether she was laughing at me, but her face was quite serious.
"Shall you go and say good-bye to Marguerite?" she continued, as seriously as before.
"No."
"You are quite right."
"You think so?"
"Naturally. Since you have broken with her, why should you see her again?""You know it is broken off?"
"She showed me your letter."
"What did she say about it?"
"She said: 'My dear Prudence, your protege is not polite; one thinks such letters, one does not write them."'
"In what tone did she say that?"
"Laughingly, and she added: "He has had supper with me twice, and hasn't even called."'
That, then, was the effect produced by my letter and my jealousy.
I was cruelly humiliated in the vanity of my affection.
"What did she do last night?"
"She went to the opera."
"I know. And afterward?"
"She had supper at home."
"Alone?"
"With the Comte de G., I believe."
So my breaking with her had not changed one of her habits. It is for such reasons as this that certain people say to you: Don't have anything more to do with the woman; she cares nothing about you.
"Well, I am very glad to find that Marguerite does not put herself out for me," I said with a forced smile.
"She has very good reason not to. You have done what you were bound to do. You have been more reasonable than she, for she was really in love with you; she did nothing but talk of you. I don't know what she would not have been capable of doing.""Why hasn't she answered me, if she was in love with me?""Because she realizes she was mistaken in letting herself love you. Women sometimes allow you to be unfaithful to their love;they never allow you to wound their self-esteem; and one always wounds the self-esteem of a woman when, two days after one has become her lover, one leaves her, no matter for what reason. Iknow Marguerite; she would die sooner than reply.""What can I do, then?"
"Nothing. She will forget you, you will forget her, and neither will have any reproach to make against the other.""But if I write and ask her forgiveness?""Don't do that, for she would forgive you."I could have flung my arms round Prudence's neck.
A quarter of an hour later I was once more in my own quarters, and I wrote to Marguerite:
"Some one, who repents of a letter that he wrote yesterday and who will leave Paris to-morrow if you do not forgive him, wishes to know at what hour he might lay his repentance at your feet.
"When can he find you alone? for, you know, confessions must be made without witnesses."I folded this kind of madrigal in prose, and sent it by Joseph, who handed it to Marguerite herself; she replied that she would send the answer later.
I only went out to have a hasty dinner, and at eleven in the evening no reply had come. I made up my mind to endure it no longer, and to set out next day. In consequence of this resolution, and convinced that I should not sleep if I went to bed, I began to pack up my things.
