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第10章

ANN.[Blankly.] Oh! [As WELLWYN strikes a match.] The samovar is lighted.[Taking up the nearly empty decanter of rum and going to the cupboard.] It's all right.He won't.

WELLWYN.We'll hope not.

[He turns back to his picture.]

ANN.[At the cupboard.] Daddy!

WELLWYN.Hi!

ANN.There were three bottles.

WELLWYN.Oh!

ANN.Well! Now there aren't any.

WELLWYN.[Abstracted.] That'll be Timson.

ANN.[With real horror.] But it's awful!

WELLWYN.It is, my dear.

ANN.In seven days.To say nothing of the stealing.

WELLWYN.[Vexed.] I blame myself-very much.Ought to have kept it locked up.

ANN.You ought to keep him locked up!

[There is heard a mild but authoritative knock.]

WELLWYN.Here's the Vicar!

ANN.What are you going to do about the rum?

WELLWYN.[Opening the door to CANON BERTLEY.] Come in, Vicar!

Happy New Year!

BERTLEY.Same to you! Ah! Ann! I've got into touch with her young husband--he's coming round.

ANN.[Still a little out of her plate.] Thank Go--Moses!

BERTLEY.[Faintly surprised.] From what I hear he's not really a bad youth.Afraid he bets on horses.The great thing, WELLWYN, with those poor fellows is to put your finger on the weak spot.

ANN.[To herself-gloomily.] That's not difficult.What would you do, Canon Bertley, with a man who's been drinking father's rum?

BERTLEY.Remove the temptation, of course.

WELLWYN.He's done that.

BERTLEY.Ah! Then-- [WELLWYN and ANN hang on his words] then Ishould--er ANN.[Abruptly.] Remove him.

BERTLEY.Before I say that, Ann, I must certainly see the individual.

WELLWYN.[Pointing to the window.] There he is!

[In the failing light TIMSON'S face is indeed to be seen pressed against the window pane.]

ANN.Daddy, I do wish you'd have thick glass put in.It's so disgusting to be spied at! [WELLWYN going quickly to the door, has opened it.] What do you want? [TIMSON enters with dignity.He is fuddled.

TIMSON.[Slowly.] Arskin' yer pardon-thought it me duty to come back-found thish yer little brishel on me.[He produces the little paint brush.]

ANN.[In a deadly voice.] Nothing else?

[TIMSON accords her a glassy stare.]

WELLWYN.[Taking the brush hastily.] That'll do, Timson, thanks!

TIMSON.As I am 'ere, can I do anything for yer?

ANN.Yes, you can sweep out that little room.[She points to the model's room.] There's a broom in there.

TIMSON.[Disagreeably surprised.] Certainly; never make bones about a little extra--never 'ave in all me life.Do it at onsh, Iwill.[He moves across to the model's room at that peculiar broad gait so perfectly adjusted to his habits.] You quite understand me --couldn't bear to 'ave anything on me that wasn't mine.

[He passes out.

ANN.Old fraud!

WELLWYN."In" and "on." Mark my words, he'll restore the--bottles.

BERTLEY.But, my dear WELLWYN, that is stealing.

WELLWYN.We all have our discrepancies, Vicar.

ANN.Daddy! Discrepancies!

WELLWYN.Well, Ann, my theory is that as regards solids Timson's an Individualist, but as regards liquids he's a Socialist...or 'vice versa', according to taste.

BERTLEY.No, no, we mustn't joke about it.[Gravely.] I do think he should be spoken to.

WELLWYN.Yes, but not by me.

BERTLEY.Surely you're the proper person.

WELLWYN.[Shaking his head.] It was my rum, Vicar.Look so personal.

[There sound a number of little tat-tat knocks.]

WELLWYN.Isn't that the Professor's knock?

[While Ann sits down to make tea, he goes to the door and opens it.There, dressed in an ulster, stands a thin, clean-shaved man, with a little hollow sucked into either cheek, who, taking off a grey squash hat, discloses a majestically bald forehead, which completely dominates all that comes below it.]

WELLWYN.Come in, Professor! So awfully good of you! You know Canon Bentley, I think?

CALWAY.Ah! How d'you do?

WELLWYN.Your opinion will be invaluable, Professor.

ANN.Tea, Professor Calway?

[They have assembled round the tea table.]

CALWAY.Thank you; no tea; milk.

WELLWYN.Rum?

[He pours rum into CALWAY's milk.]

CALWAY.A little-thanks! [Turning to ANN.] You were going to show me some one you're trying to rescue, or something, I think.

ANN.Oh! Yes.He'll be here directly--simply perfect rotter.

CALWAY.[Smiling.] Really! Ah! I think you said he was a congenital?

WELLWYN.[With great interest.] What!

ANN.[Low.] Daddy! [To CALWAY.] Yes; I--I think that's what you call him.

CALWAY.Not old?

ANN.No; and quite healthy--a vagabond.

CALWAY.[Sipping.] I see! Yes.Is it, do you think chronic unemployment with a vagrant tendency? Or would it be nearer the mark to say: Vagrancy--WELLWYN.Pure! Oh! pure! Professor.Awfully human.

CALWAY.[With a smile of knowledge.] Quite! And--er--ANN.[Breaking in.] Before he comes, there's another--BERTLEY.[Blandly.] Yes, when you came in, we were discussing what should be done with a man who drinks rum--[CALWAY pauses in the act of drinking]--that doesn't belong to him.

CALWAY.Really! Dipsomaniac?

BERTLEY.Well--perhaps you could tell us--drink certainly changing thine to mine.The Professor could see him, WELLWYN?

ANN.[Rising.] Yes, do come and look at him, Professor CALWAY.

He's in there.

[She points towards the model's room.CALWAY smiles deprecatingly.]

ANN.No, really; we needn't open the door.You can see him through the glass.He's more than half--CALWAY.Well, I hardly--

ANN.Oh! Do! Come on, Professor CALWAY! We must know what to do with him.[CALWAY rises.] You can stand on a chair.It's all science.

[She draws CALWAY to the model's room, which is lighted by a glass panel in the top of the high door.CANON BERTLEY also rises and stands watching.WELLWYN hovers, torn between respect for science and dislike of espionage.]

ANN.[Drawing up a chair.] Come on!

CALWAY.Do you seriously wish me to?

ANN.Rather! It's quite safe; he can't see you.

CALWAY.But he might come out.

[ANN puts her back against the door.CALWAY mounts the chair dubiously, and raises his head cautiously, bending it more and more downwards.]

ANN.Well?

1

WELLWYN.Yes, that's all right!

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