Why was the china of her cup flawed so that no one could drink from it? Why had she been made so that nobody could love her? This, the most bitter of all thoughts, the most tragic of all questionings, haunted her.
The article which Stephen read--explaining exactly how to deal with people so that from one sort of human being they might become another, and going on to prove that if, after this conversion, they showed signs of a reversion, it would then be necessary to know the reason why--fell dryly on ears listening to that eternal question:
Why is it with me as it is? It is not fair!--listening to the constant murmuring of her pride: I am not wanted here or anywhere.
Better to efface myself!
>From their end of the room Thyme and Martin scarcely looked at her.
To them she was Aunt B., an amateur, the mockery of whose eyes sometimes penetrated their youthful armour; they were besides too interested in their conversation to perceive that she was suffering.
The skirmish of that conversation had lasted now for many days--ever since the death of the Hughs' baby.
"Well," Martin was saying, "what are you going to do? It's no good to base it on the baby; you must know your own mind all round. You can't go rushing into real work on mere sentiment.""You went to the funeral, Martin. It's bosh to say you didn't feel it too!"Martin deigned no answer to this insinuation.
"We've gone past the need for sentiment," he said: "it's exploded; so is Justice, administered by an upper class with a patch over one eye and a squint in the other. When you see a dying donkey in a field, you don't want to refer the case to a society, as your dad would; you don't want an essay of Hilary's, full of sympathy with everybody, on 'Walking in a field: with reflections on the end of donkeys'--you want to put a bullet in the donkey.""You're always down on Uncle Hilary," said Thyme.
"I don't mind Hilary himself; I object to his type.""Well, he objects to yours," said Thyme.
"I'm not so sure of that," said Martin slowly; "he hasn't got character enough."Thyme raised her chin, and, looking at him through half-closed eyes, said: " Well, I do think, of all the conceited persons I ever met you're the worst."Martin's nostril curled.
"Are you prepared," he said, "to put a bullet in the donkey, or are you not?""I only see one donkey, and not a dying one!"Martin stretched out his hand and gripped her arm below the elbow.
Retaining it luxuriously, he said: "Don't wander!"Thyme tried to free her arm. "Let go!"
Martin was looking straight into her eyes. A flush had risen in his cheeks.
Thyme, too, went the colour of the old-rose curtain behind which she sat.
"Let go!"
"I won't! I'll make you know your mind. What do you mean to do?
Are you coming in a fit of sentiment, or do you mean business?"Suddenly, half-hypnotised, the young girl ceased to struggle. Her face had the strangest expression of submission and defiance--a sort of pain, a sort of delight. So they sat full half a minute staring at each other's eyes. Hearing a rustling sound, they looked, and saw Bianca moving to the door. Cecilia, too, had risen.
"What is it, B.?"
Bianca, opening the door, went out. Cecilia followed swiftly, too late to catch even a glimpse of her sister's face behind the veil...
In Mr. Stone's room the green lamp burned dimly, and he who worked by it was sitting on the edge of his campbed, attired in his old brown woollen gown and slippers.
And suddenly it seemed to him that he was not alone.
"I have finished for to-night," he said. "I am waiting for the moon to rise. She is nearly full; I shall see her face from here."A form sat down by him on the bed, and a voice said softly:
"Like a woman's."
Mr. Stone saw his younger daughter. "You have your hat on. Are you going out, my dear?""I saw your light as I came in."
"The moon," said Mr. Stone, "is an arid desert. Love is unknown there.""How can you bear to look at her, then?" Bianca whispered.
Mr. Stone raised his finger. "She has risen."The wan moon had slipped out into the darkness. Her light stole across the garden and through the open window to the bed where they were sitting.
"Where there is no love, Dad," Bianca said, "there can be no life, can there?"Mr. Stone's eyes seemed to drink the moonlight.
"That," he said, "is the great truth. The bed is shaking!"With her arms pressed tight across her breast, Bianca was struggling with violent, noiseless sobbing. That desperate struggle seemed to be tearing her to death before his eyes, and Mr. Stone sat silent, trembling. He knew not what to do. From his frosted heart years of Universal Brotherhood had taken all knowledge of how to help his daughter. He could only sit touching her tremulously with thin fingers.
The form beside him, whose warmth he felt against his arm, grew stiller, as though, in spite of its own loneliness, his helplessness had made it feel that he, too; was lonely. It pressed a little closer to him. The moonlight, gaining pale mastery over the flickering lamp, filled the whole room.
Mr. Stone said: "I want her mother!"
The form beside him ceased to struggle.
Finding out an old, forgotten way, Mr. Stone's arm slid round that quivering body.
"I do not know what to say to her," he muttered, and slowly he began to rock himself.
"Motion," he said, "is soothing."
The moon passed on. The form beside him sat so still that Mr. Stone ceased moving. His daughter was no longer sobbing. Suddenly her lips seared his forehead.
Trembling from that desperate caress, he raised his fingers to the spot and looked round.
She was gone.
