“It was with me； and I did not like it. It was a grovelling fashion of existence： I should never like to return to it. Hiring a mistress is the next worse thing to buying a slave： both are often by nature， and always by position， inferior： and to live familiarly with inferiors is degrading. I now hate the recollection of the time I passed with Céline， Giacinta， and Clara.”
I felt the truth of these words； and I drew from them the certain inference， that if I were so far to forget myself and all the teaching that had ever been instilled into me， as—under any pretext—with any justification—through any temptation—to become the successor of these poor girls， he would one day regard me with the same feeling which now in his mind desecrated their memory. I did not give utterance to this conviction： it was enough to feel it. I impressed it on my heart， that it might remain there to serve me as aid in the time of trial.
“Now， Jane， why don’t you say ‘Well， sir？’ I have not done. You are looking grave. You disapprove of me still， I see. But let me come to the point. Last January， rid of all mistresses—in a harsh， bitter frame of mind， the result of a useless， roving， lonely life—corroded with disappointment， sourly disposed against all men， and especially against all womankind (for I began to regard the notion of an intellectual， faithful， loving woman as a mere dream)， recalled by business， I came back to England.
“On a frosty winter afternoon， I rode in sight of Thornfield Hall. Abhorred spot！ I expected no peace—no pleasure there. On a stile in Hay Lane I saw a quiet little figure sitting by itself. I passed it as negligently as I did the pollard willow opposite to it： I had no presentiment of what it would be to me； no inward warning that the arbitress of my life—my genius for good or evil—waited there in humble guise. I did not know it， even when， on the occasion of Mesrour’s accident， it came up and gravely offered me help. Childish and slender creature！ It seemed as if a linnet had hopped to my foot and proposed to bear me on its tiny wing. I was surly；but the thing would not go： it stood by me with strange perseverance， and looked and spoke with a sort of authority. I must be aided， and by that hand： and aided I was.
“When once I had pressed the frail shoulder， something new—a fresh sap and sense—stole into my frame. It was well I had learnt that this elf must return to me—that it belonged to my house down below—or I could not have felt it pass away from under my hand， and seen it vanish behind the dim hedge， without singular regret. I heard you come home that night， Jane， though probably you were not aware that I thought of you or watched for you. The next day I observed you—myself unseen—for half-an-hour， while you played with Adèle in the gallery. It was a snowy day， I recollect， and you could not go out of doors. I was in my room； the door was ajar： I could both listen and watch. Adèle claimed your outward attention for a while； yet I fancied your thoughts were elsewhere： but you were very patient with her， my little Jane； you talked to her and amused her a long time. When at last she left you， you lapsed at once into deep reverie： you betook yourself slowly to pace the gallery. Now and then， in passing a casement， you glanced out at the thick-falling snow； you listened to the sobbing wind， and again you paced gently on and dreamed. I think those day visions were not dark： there was a pleasurable illumination in your eye occasionally， a soft excitement in your aspect， which told of no bitter， bilious， hypochondriac brooding： your look revealed rather the sweet musings of youth when its spirit follows on willing wings the flight of Hope up and on to an ideal heaven. The voice of Mrs. Fairfax， speaking to a servant in the hall， wakened you： and how curiously you smiled to and at yourself， Janet！ There was much sense in your smile： it was very shrewd， and seemed to make light of your own abstraction. It seemed to say—‘My fine visions are all very well， but I must not forget they are absolutely unreal. I have a rosy sky and a green flowery Eden in my brain； but without， I am perfectly aware， lies at my feet a rough tract to travel， and around me gather black tempests to encounter.’ You ran downstairs and demanded of Mrs. Fairfax some occupation： the weekly house accounts to make up， or something of that sort， I think it was. I was vexed with you for getting out of my sight.
